U.S. Government Will Work For Food

BREAKING NEWS

WASHINGTON--Democratic and Republican leaders crossed the aisle late Saturday night to come together on a last-minute debt-limit deal that will avert an unprecedented and potentially catastrophic U.S. default.

A beaming House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced the news to a relieved nation during a hastily arranged joint news conference with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on the steps outside the Senate.

"Senator Reid and I are very pleased to announced that the partisan rhetoric and political machinations end tonight," said Boehner.

"The United States government will not default on its debt, now or ever. My fellow Americans, the United States government will work for food."

With that, Boehner pulled out from behind his podium a ragged, hand-cut cardboard sign with the words "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" written in black marker. Boehner and Reid held opposite ends of the sign and raised it triumphantly above their heads as flash bulbs popped around them.

A short way down the sidewalk, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) played an unrecognizable blues tune on an acoustic guitar while passersby dropped coins into the open case next to him.

President Obama released a brief statement which read: "I'm thrilled, as all Americans are, that the House and Senate have come together and reached this agreement in just the nick of time to avert possible economic disaster. I fully support the agreement and Michelle and I have a few chores around here at the White House that Speaker Boehner and Senator Reid are welcome to help us with."

DEVELOPING...

My Future (and Shirt)'s So Bright...

Obligatory Post of the Year

What has no thumbs and is full of birds?



The sky!

Mildlyamusing.com Classic! Tips for Saving Money on Gas

As gas prices rise back over $4.00 a gallon, we thought we'd link back to this gem from way, way back in 2008 and give you some Tips for Saving Money On Gas.

This will make it way easier to find than having to dig through the six posts we've made since then.

Science Watch

BP is using Kevin Costner's centrifuge-based cleanup device to deal with the Gulf spill. The centrifuge removes the oil from the water by spinning the water really fast.

Won't that make the fish dizzy?

Scenes You Won't See In Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

No, we haven't seen it yet. But yes, we do have the scenes we know nobody's going to see--because Michael Bay ain't putting them in the movie. Here we go, as they didn't appear in the script:


Meagan Fox climbs off her motorcycle in short-shorts.

MEAGAN FOX
This motorcycle engine is hot.

Maybe I should put some pants on.


* * *

Shia LeBeaux is talking to Optimus Prime.

SHIA LEBEAUX

Optimus, I've got to go to college.

OPTIMUS PRIME

What is college?

SHIA LEBEAUX

It's this place humans go to learn about science

and history and to learn how the world works.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Hmm. Maybe when we were looking for the person

who would be our guide on Earth, we should have

gone with somebody who'd already been to college.

* * *

There is a huge battle going on with ROBOTS, ARMY GUYS, TANKS, JETS, and Shia Lebeaux. They are fighting over some super-important object.

SHIA LEBEAUX
Give it to me, Optimus! I can make it!

OPTIMUS
Look, kid, there are robots, army guys, tanks
and jets around who could carry this thing.
Why would I give it to you?

* * *

Meagan Fox is talking to Shia LeBeaux.

MEGAN FOX

You know what? I just remembered I'm not
into dorky guys. I'm leaving.

She leaves.

AIG Pays $1.3 Billion Bonus to Joaquin Phoenix

Insurance giant AIG today paid a $1.3 billion dollar bonus to actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix, raising the ire of government officials and taxpayers nationwide.

Despite having received $170 billion in taxpayer-funded bailout money, AIG says it has no choice but to make good on its promise of a bonus payout to Phoenix.

A company spokesman said Phoenix was due to receive the bonus despite AIG's dismal performance and staggering losses totaling $61 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.

"AIG has a previous contractual obligation to pay this bonus for rhyme-and-beat services rendered," said the spokesman. He added that the company will likely have to pay out billions more to settle agreements involving complex financial instruments known as "hip hop default swaps."

AIG's spokesman also reiterated that despite the company's poor finanical footing, Phoenix's tunes are solid.

"We understand there may be some disagreement on the subject of bonuses in this economic climate," said the spokesman. "But it's important to remember that this particular payout was approved by upper management long before AIG received any assistance from the federal government.

"The company had already deemed Mr. Phoenix to have mad rapping skillz, yo."

Sorry, We're Open

California Valentine

(For California residents only)

Front:

I.O.U. Love and Affection


Inside:

Will you be my Valentine at some unspecified date in the future?