Scenes You Won't See In Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

No, we haven't seen it yet. But yes, we do have the scenes we know nobody's going to see--because Michael Bay ain't putting them in the movie. Here we go, as they didn't appear in the script:


Meagan Fox climbs off her motorcycle in short-shorts.

MEAGAN FOX
This motorcycle engine is hot.

Maybe I should put some pants on.


* * *

Shia LeBeaux is talking to Optimus Prime.

SHIA LEBEAUX

Optimus, I've got to go to college.

OPTIMUS PRIME

What is college?

SHIA LEBEAUX

It's this place humans go to learn about science

and history and to learn how the world works.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Hmm. Maybe when we were looking for the person

who would be our guide on Earth, we should have

gone with somebody who'd already been to college.

* * *

There is a huge battle going on with ROBOTS, ARMY GUYS, TANKS, JETS, and Shia Lebeaux. They are fighting over some super-important object.

SHIA LEBEAUX
Give it to me, Optimus! I can make it!

OPTIMUS
Look, kid, there are robots, army guys, tanks
and jets around who could carry this thing.
Why would I give it to you?

* * *

Meagan Fox is talking to Shia LeBeaux.

MEGAN FOX

You know what? I just remembered I'm not
into dorky guys. I'm leaving.

She leaves.

AIG Pays $1.3 Billion Bonus to Joaquin Phoenix

Insurance giant AIG today paid a $1.3 billion dollar bonus to actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix, raising the ire of government officials and taxpayers nationwide.

Despite having received $170 billion in taxpayer-funded bailout money, AIG says it has no choice but to make good on its promise of a bonus payout to Phoenix.

A company spokesman said Phoenix was due to receive the bonus despite AIG's dismal performance and staggering losses totaling $61 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.

"AIG has a previous contractual obligation to pay this bonus for rhyme-and-beat services rendered," said the spokesman. He added that the company will likely have to pay out billions more to settle agreements involving complex financial instruments known as "hip hop default swaps."

AIG's spokesman also reiterated that despite the company's poor finanical footing, Phoenix's tunes are solid.

"We understand there may be some disagreement on the subject of bonuses in this economic climate," said the spokesman. "But it's important to remember that this particular payout was approved by upper management long before AIG received any assistance from the federal government.

"The company had already deemed Mr. Phoenix to have mad rapping skillz, yo."

Sorry, We're Open

California Valentine

(For California residents only)

Front:

I.O.U. Love and Affection


Inside:

Will you be my Valentine at some unspecified date in the future?

Headlines from around the world

NASA Takes First Picture of Planet Outside Our Solar System
Other Planets Worried About Privacy in Coming "NASA-razzi" Onslaught

Woman Jailed For Using Kids to Raise Money In Charity Scam
Plans to post bail after she makes phone calls, "Just as soon as school lets out."

More Federal Bailouts On the Way
Government to Hold American Idol-style reality TV show to audition businesses

Proof of the Deep Understanding LA Has of World Culture

Sign in an LA strip mall.

Tips For Saving Money On Gas

As we watch gas creep up over $4.00 a gallon in some parts of the US, nothing brings in readers like posts that promise them they can save money on gas. So we made one!

Here goes our list of suggestions:

• When trying to decide where to get gas in the morning, always select the stations that have the lowest numbers displayed in those signs out front. These numbers are directly related to the cost of the gasoline.
• There is much debate about what time of day it is best to pump gasoline. We find that it is best to pump very, very late at night, when it is easiest to sneak off without paying.
• Many states now have gas stations that require you to pay first, and then pump. You should not live in any of these states.
• We do not recommend doing what they do in the movies and using really, really strong alcohol to power your automobile. Breathing the fumes might make you fail a breathalyzer. And the cop will never believe you. Trust us.
• Another good thing to do to conserve gas on the freeway is just to pull over. When somebody stops, tell them you just need help pushing the car to the next exit. When they get you there, thank them. Then just wait for the next person. We once made our way across three counties this way, without having to pay for a single gallon of gas. We were, however, two days late. Don't use this one if you're in a hurry.
• Ignore traffic lights. All that accelerating and decelerating burns up gas like crazy.
• There are lots of websites that post prices for gasoline in your neighborhood. Stop and look at them once in a while when you're at home surfing the web, and it will remind you why you decided never, ever to leave your house again.

NEWS FLASH

EARTHQUAKE TO HIT CALIFORNIA SOMETIME IN THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS, SCIENTISTS SAID TODAY.

PLEASE IMMEDIATELY COMMENCE DUCKING AND COVERING.