Friday, September 29, 2006

New TSA Guidelines For Writing On Plastic Bags

WASHINGTON -- After the man who wrote "Kip Hawley is an Idiot" on his plastic bag of toiletries was detained at an airport security checkpoint for about 25 minutes before authorities concluded the statement was not a threat, the TSA has issued new guidelines for writing on your plastic bags.

First, all threats should be clearly noted as such. For example, "This is not a threat," should be used when appropriate.

If the note is a threat, the color of marker used should correspond with the level of the threat you're making, in accordance with the color coding system of the Department of Homeland Security, as pictured at right.

Also, in the interest of providing balance, any notes containing a political statement should also include a political statement from an opposing viewpoint. For example, if Al Franken were to write "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat, Idiot" on his bag, he would also need to write, "But His Show Features Good Interviews With The Producers Of 24."

In the interest of fostering readability, all messages must be written in at least 3/4" inch high letters. They must also include Braille translation for the benefit of vision impaired security screeners.

Any questions on these guidelines should be directed to the office of the President of the TSA.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

My Posts Are The New Good

My posts are the new good. You know how everyone used to say "good?" Now they say "Joe Blogger's posts."

Like:

"Hey, I just got a promotion at work!"

"Congratulations! That's real Joe Blogger's posts!"

Or, when you're at a restaurant and the waiter asks you how's your grilled cheese, you can simply nod your head and say, "Very Joe Blogger's posts."

Start doing this and you'll be a hep cat. Speaking of cats, here's a picture of my cat:













Isn't he cute? Yes he is! Yes he is! Awww. . . such a cute kitty. . . .

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Ten Second Interview: President Bill Clinton

This week's ten second interview features former President Bill Clinton. We're glad to provide this exclusive exchange in the middle of the current controversy.

US: Good Morning, President. It has been suggested that in this weekend's interview on Fox News, you pre-emptively called a single question a "hit piece," making an inordinately long, passionate answer to a single question, while yet others have suggested that you were merely venting the frustrations of many Democrats who have been lured onto Fox under false pretenses and then blindsided. Mr. President, our question, which we think all of America has been wondering, is, what do you think is turning Hank's teeth blue?

FPBC: Urinal cakes.

US: Boy, I sure hope not.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Your Favorite Band Stinks

I don't like your favorite band. They haven't been popular for about 15 years. Even though they're still making records and going out on tour, nobody cares about them anymore. The band members are getting pretty old too. I bet their tour bus goes down the freeway at 40 miles per hour in the fast lane with its turn signal on the whole time. LOL! I have to make fun of their age because they haven't actually killed themselves yet with drug overdoses and so they're still around making music. Otherwise, I'd make fun of them for having died from drug overdoses. My favorite band is way better and still gets their music played during the end credits of popular new movies.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Best. Restaurant. Ever.

I went to this great Mexican restaurant near my apartment last night. It's about 2,000 miles from where you live. You should check it out. They have great Mexican-style tacos. My friends and I, who you've never met, love it. You really have to try it.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Boy Are My Teeth Blue

Howdy, everyone. It's Hank here, back again to chat with ya about technology and what-not. This is my first post since I got my very own brand-new, state-a-the-art laptop computer. It's this sweet little gadget called a TRS-80. Man, is she a beaut. Best twenty bucks I ever done spent. Now I just gotta figure out where the flicker is on this thing and I'll be postin' pictures as if I was "off the hook." (That's slang the kids are usin' now-a-days to mean that they won't be punished for somethin' bad they done.)

Another new development is that I've got Bluetooth. That's a medical condition what makes your choppers turn blue. I gone and seen the doc for it, but he says there ain't nothin' he can do 'bout it. He told me to just lay offa Ma's blueberry pie for awhile and it should clear up on its own. That's good, cuz I'm gettin' tired of holdin' my breath all the time so that my face'll match my teeth and I won't look so funny.

Now what I really need is some kinda technology that'll let all my devices communicate with each other wirelessly. Take, for example, my tractor. Sometimes I'm way out in the middle of the cornfield when I get real thirsty. Now if my tractor could talk to my refrigerator, I'd just push a button on the tractor and the refrigerator could come out the house and bring me a nice cool lemonade. That would be sweet! (And slightly sour, of course.)

Or maybe my alarm clock could talk to the shower and let it know that it was about to wake up ol' Hank. Then the shower could start itself up and get that water nice and warm before I get in there. And the percolator could have my coffee ready in there for me too. The possibilities are endless, I tell ya.

Well, I think I see some smoke startin' to come out the side of my laptop, so I better wrap this up quick. But if anyone knows where I can get some of them cobcasts for my corn, lemme know, won't ya? I heard them boys is tasty.

Politicians I Don't Like Are Stupid

I hate politicians that have different opinions than I do. I also hate people who like those politicians. They're all stupid. Not only are they stupid, they also hate America. They want to destroy America. I hate them! They should leave America if they want to destroy it so much! If you want to destroy America with your different opinions, you should get out!

Here's a picture of my cat:

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Ten Second Interview: George W Bush

In this week's exciting Ten Second Interview, we talk with President George W. Bush about this week's news.

US: Good Morning, Mr. President.

GWB: Thanks, it's good to be here.

US: So is there any truth to the allegations that your administration threatened to bomb Pakistan into the stone age if it didn't help with the war?

GWB: What are you, crazy? Like we have a bomb capable of building the Pakistanis stone age tools.

US: Thanks for coming.

GWB: Not a problem.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Increase Your MPL (Miles Per Latte)

With Starbuckers now facing the same type of price inflation that has hit gasoline, we thought you might be able to use a little advice on how to get the most from your mocha, to capitalize on your cappuccino, and, of course, to best leverage your latte.

Don't Fidget A tremendous amount of caffeine goes into helping us fidget. By putting your hands in your pockets or folding your arms, that energy can be conserved for other purposes.

Don't Nod and Point--Just Nod When greeting co-workers from a distance, it's redundant to both nod at them and point at them. Conserve the energy of the high-movement pointing and stick with the less strenuous nod.

Blink Less We read somewhere that humans blink an average of something like 7,000 times a minute. Ease up on that.

The Cool Pool

You've probably heard of "ghoul pools," in which people bet on which celebrities they think are going to die soon. Well, that seems a little too gruesome for a mildly amusing blog like this. So. . .

Welcome to The Cool Pool!

Here's the way it works: we take various celebrities and put their names into Google one by one, taking note of the number of results for each one. We then repeat the process, this time adding the word "cool" to each search, and again record the number of results for each search. We then divide the second set of numbers by the first set of numbers to get a "cool quotient" for each celebrity. Then we compare the cool quotient of each celebrity and find out who's really cool and who isn't.

Confused? So are we! Let's get started!

Today's celebrities:

Tom Cruise: 4,810,000 / 26,100,000 = 18.43% cool

Katie Holmes: 2,240,000 / 13,200,000 = 16.97% cool

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: 88,900 / 496,000 = 17.92% cool

Paris Hilton: 12,600,000 / 63,400,000 = 19.87% cool

David Letterman: 1,040,000 / 5,010,000 = 20.76% cool

Jay Leno: 1,590,000 / 6,860,000 = 23.18% cool

Lindsay Lohan: 4,150,000 / 19,800,000 = 20.96% cool

Saddam Hussein: 3,270,000 / 24,400,000 = 13.40% cool

Osama bin Laden: 3,350,000 / 26,400,000 = 12.69% cool

George W. Bush: 9,340,000 / 141,000,000 = 6.62% cool

Steve Irwin: 5,520,000 / 31,000,000 = 17.81% cool

stingrays: 619,000 / 2,500,000 = 24.76% cool

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez: 89,700 / 907,000 = 9.89% cool

mildlyamusing.com: 63 / 1,600 = 3.94% cool

So, we can see the following trends:

-- Katie Holmes is slightly cooler with Tom Cruise than without him.

-- Jay Leno is cooler than David Letterman. (We demand a recount!)

-- Lindsay Lohan is cooler than Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush combined.

-- Stingrays are cooler than Steve Irwin was. Guess that's why stingrays are still around.

-- mildlyamusing.com is less than half as cool as Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Hmm. . . maybe we shouldn't do this anymore.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ask Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

"Mr. Chavez, our puppy keeps having accidents on the carpet. We have tried and tried, but we just can't seem to housebreak him. Do you have any suggestions?"

Signed,
Piddle in Peoria

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez responds:

Dear Piddle,

Puppies are the devil. They bark as if they own the world. As the spokesdogs of imperialism, they come to share their nostrums to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world. An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: "The Puppies."

-----

"Mr. Chavez, I generally love my wife's cooking, but. . . her lasagna needs some work. She's served it three times this month and each time it has been, um, underwhelming, to say the least. I know she's trying and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think I should say something. How should I broach the subject?"

Signed,
Barfing in Barstow

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez responds:

Dear Barfing,

Your wife made lasagna yesterday. And it smells of sulfur still today. Your wife's lasagna is doing all it can to consolidate its hegemonistic system of domination, and we cannot allow it to do that. We cannot allow world dictatorship to be consolidated.

-----

"Mr. Chavez, what do you think of President Bush?"

Signed,
Wondering in Wichita

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez responds:

I think he's a good guy.

Thailand's Election Cancelled

Thailand's new military ruler announced today that the country's scheduled October election has been cancelled. John Mark Karr immediately confessed to killing the election and asked, "Now where's my champagne and roast duck?"

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Pete Rose Never Gambled On Baseball

Hey everyone. Nostradamus here. I just wanted to set the record straight about Pete Rose and these baseballs he signed that say "I'm sorry I bet on baseball." People think this goes against all those years Pete was saying over and over that he never gambled on baseball. But it doesn't. It's all in the phrasing. He's sorry he bet on baseball. Because, yes, Pete did place bets on baseball games. But he never gambled on baseball. "Gambling" implies that there is risk involved because the outcome of each game is not known in advance.

Well now. Do you really think Pete Rose would put all of that money out on the line if he thought there was a chance he might actually lose it? Of course not! He knew ahead of time which team would win each game--but not because he was somehow fixing the games. He was getting the information from me, of course! He took my predictions all the way to the bank--for a small 10% commission. Hey, I gotta feed my family too.

Disappointed In New TMX Elmo

Hoboken, NJ--It's not all giggles when it comes to the new extreme Tickle Me Elmo doll.

One local man reported that his daughter was less than pleased with the new toy, released for the doll's 10th anniversary.

"I got her a Tickle Me Elmo when the doll first came out," said the man, who has requested anonymity. "Had to fight for it, too. I beat up two old ladies and a toddler to get it for her. I ended up spending six months in jail, but it was worth it to see her face on Christmas in the picture my wife showed me during one of her visits."

Having since divorced his wife, he had hoped the doll would help reconcile him with his daughter, with whom he now hardly speaks.

The new version of the doll, whose features have been kept secret until its release date, laughs progressively harder the more you tickle it, even rolling around and pounding on the ground with its hand in its final phase.

But his daughter was less than impressed.

"Doesn't he know me at all? I'm fourteen now! This is so stupid."

The father feels it is Mattel, not him, that is out of touch. "I saw that X in the name, and I thought, yeah, this will be hardcore. Ten years later, this is the big kid version, you know? Like, Elmo's not going to take your crap any more."

Mattel could not be reached for comment, since we don't know their phone number.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Popeye the Sailor Dies at 77

Popeye, the well-known sailor, has died of E. coli poisoning at the age of 77, it was reported Sunday.

Born January 17, 1929, Popeye made his living repeatedly rescuing his girlfriend Olive Oyl from Bluto. In recent years Popeye had retired to an assisted-living community near Temecula, California.

Popeye fell ill last week after eating fresh bagged spinach. He is survived by Oyl and their son Swee'Pea.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Food and Drug Administration's Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition.

Popeye's tombstone will read, "He hemorrhaged at the finich, 'cause he ate he spinach."