Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Rush Limbaugh Accuses Tina Yothers Of Not Acting

Rush Limbaugh continued his assault on former Family Ties stars today when he accused Tina Yothers, who portrayed Jennifer Keaton on the 1980s television series, of not acting during the entire run of the show.

"You look at any episode, you do not see Tina Yothers acting," said Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio show Wednesday. "She is on camera, but she is not showing any signs of acting ability whatsoever."

Limbaugh's comments about Yothers come two days after his criticism of Michael J. Fox for having Parkinson's disease. Or something like that.

Later this week, Limbaugh plans to express doubt that Michael Gross is actually gross. He will also question just how "birney" Meredith Baxter Birney really was.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Ask O.J. Simpson

"Mr. Simpson, I'm the star running back on my high school's varsity football team. What advice can you give me about how I can make it to the NFL?"

Signed,
Aspiring in Aspen

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Expiring,

Well, I never made it to the NFL. But here's how I would do it, hypothetically. I would probably hide in the bushes after dark and wait. When the NFL came close by, I would leap out of the bushes and do whatever I had to do to make sure I made it into the NFL. I would put everything I had into it so that I could make every cut and would not rest until my goal had been reached.

-----

"Mr. Simpson, I'm thinking of buying a house in California. The weather is so wonderful and there's so much to do there. But the real estate prices are outrageous. Do you have any home-buying advice for me?"

Signed,
Buying in Brentwood

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Dying,

I've never lived in California. But here's how I would do it. Hypothetically speaking, I would hide in the bushes after dark and wait. Then, when a good-looking, blonde, female real estate agent walked by, I would jump out of the bushes and confront her. She would never see it coming. I would strike swiftly and force her to meet my demands. She would have no choice. I would cut deeply into her expected selling price. She would be caught off guard and would be helpless to resist my offer. I would show her no mercy.

-----

"Mr. Simpson, I'm shopping for a new automobile. I'm considering buying a Ford SUV, but I'm not sure if that would be the best choice. What do you recommend?"

Signed,
Hard Decision Coming For Me

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Had It Coming To Her,

I've never been in a Ford SUV. But if I were to ever take a Ford SUV for a test drive, here's how I would do it. Hypothetically, I would first get $8,000 in cash, a fake goatee and mustache, my passport, and a loaded .357 Magnum. I would then ride in the back seat with the gun pointed at my head while my friend drove. We would first drive toward Mexico, then double back and go to my house. When we got there, I would refuse to come out of the vehicle. Then I would hire Johnnie Cochran.

-----

"Mr. Simpson, Johnnie Cochran's dead."

Signed,
Bob in Boston

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Got What She Deserved,

I had nothing to do with that.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

NFL Dismisses Threat

The National Football League is saying that there's no credible evidence supporting a threat of dirty bomb attacks at seven stadiums this weekend. The NFL also says there's no credible threat of the Raiders winning a game this season.

You Are The 300-Millionth American

I predict you are the 300-millionth American. I predict nurses rushed into your mother's hospital room to tell her that you might be the one. I predict that the media then proceeded to do lots of pointless stories about you.

Or. . . wait. Maybe it wasn't you.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Tomorrow

I predict you will have bad luck tomorrow.

I also predict there will be, somewhere, a slasher film marathon.

Vote NO On Proposition W458

Ann Coulter and Michael Moore, the authors of Proposition W458, don't want you to know the truth. Here's what they don't tell you:

The campaign to pass Proposition W458 is financially backed by Oil Companies Against Clean Otters (OCACO). Read the fine print. If passed, this proposition will coat all sea life in a minimum of two inches of petroleum-based sludge (more along Canada's coasts, due to the exchange rate). Also note that this group's acronym, OCACO, is a palindrome. And we all know what happens when you listen to someone whose name is a palindrome (Eve). These Palindromic Proliferators of Evil are currently testing nuclear weapons in North Korea. What's next? Testing nuclear weapons in North Carolina? Yes, most likely in Charlotte. That's right, they'll be setting off nuclear bombs inside of a cute, talking spider. What's next? Setting off nuclear bombs inside of cute, talking babies, that's what. Your baby. That's right. What, you didn't know your baby could talk? You bet your baby can talk. And do you know what your baby's saying? Your baby's saying, "Please Mommy and Daddy! I never did anything bad to you! I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to make you hate me! I love you! Please don't let oil companies detonate nuclear devices inside of me! That will hurt and make me cry! Vote NO on Proposition W458!"

Proposition W458. Wrong for you. Wrong for your baby. Wrong for the state or country you live in.

On this and all subsequent election days, vote for your baby's life. Vote NO on Proposition W458.

This message paid for by people who are wonderful and have no special interests or ulterior motives. Really. Trust us.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Mildly Useful Election Guide: Vote Yes on Prop W458

Note: For the convenience of our reader(s), we are providing this two-part point/counter-point look at one of the big issues of the upcoming election.

Vote Yes on Prop W458.

Prop W458 will provide better quality health care for orphans, lower state energy costs, and eliminate that glare in your windshield when you're driving in the morning.

Prop W458 will lower taxes for everyone in the entire state. For most people, they will only have to pay what they find in their sofa cushions--and they don't have to look down in the cracks. You and your friends will be exempt entirely.

It also guarantees a cleaner shower with less scrubbing, a trimmer waistline, and all the flavor of the regular version with only half the calories. If you're not completely satisfied with Prop W458, you can return your vote for a full refund.

This proposition would grant better drinking fountains to the children in our public schools, insuring that the stream of water comes out strong and high, eliminating the dangerous need to put your mouth close to the metal fountain where other children's lips have been. Thanks to Prop W458, every drinking fountain can be "The good drinking fountain."

Prop W458 would even cause all the nuclear material in Asia and the Middle East to revert back to a less dangerous isotope within minutes of passing.

If you don't believe us, take a closer look at who is funding the "No on W458" campaign. Organizations like Nazis Were Neat, Starve The Homeless, the Christian-eating Lion's Union, and three of the guys sharing a cellblock with Saddam Hussein.

Vote yes on Prop W458. It's the only choice, really.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Parents Ruin Child's Life In Record Time

BILOXI, Miss. -- A couple in Mississippi have named their newborn son ESPN. The child is expected to endure a lifetime of embarrassment, confusion and ridicule. ESPN (the baby, not the 24-hour sports programming cable television network) has already been made to cry on several occasions by maternity ward nurses leaning over the child's bassinet and loudly singing the "duh-duh-duh (pause) duh-duh-duh" theme from SportsCenter in his face.

ESPN (supposedly pronounced "Espen," according to his parents) is the fourth child born to Rusty and Leann Real, joining older siblings CNN (pronounced "Sienna"), USA (pronounced "Ooosa"), and Lifetime Movie Network.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Look, About Lost

Alright, people keep writing to ask me about Lost. Nostradamus, they say (or Nosty, if they're my friends), if anyone can tell us what's going on with this show, it's you. What's up with this show? What's up with these numbers? And the Polar Bears?

They're right, of course. I new all about Jack and the numbers and the hatches for millions of years now. Me and the other prophesizers stood around the water cooler (we called them wells in those days) talking about all the crazy things Locke and Jack and that one hot chick and that one other hot chick would do.

So here, for those of you who are dying to know, are my spoilers for Lost.

  • The next few episodes will feature flashbacks.
  • The polar bears come from the North Pole.
  • Locke was in the wheelchair because he couldn't walk.
  • Locke is out of the wheelchair because he was able to walk again.
  • Hurley is still fat because he eats more calories than he burns.
  • The numbers are a plot device.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Bush Says He Can Edit Word Documents

WASHINGTON--President Bush, again defying Congress, says he has the power to edit Microsoft Word documents.

While many in Congress have questioned Bush's ability to effectively use the Microsoft Office suite and, in particular, Microsoft Word, Bush signed a law Wednesday stating that he can indeed manipulate documents.

Bush outlined his skill in creating outlines and underscored his competent use of underscores. He boldly showed how he can create boldface type and emphasized his use of italics. Bush also demonstrated his solid grasp of the high-tech "cut and paste" feature.

He was unfamiliar with "AutoCorrect."

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Anacondas Give Good Hugs



ANIMAL RESCUE CENTER--Anacondas give good hugs, according to one animal expert.

Diego Marquez, star of the animal documentary program Go, Diego, Go has categorized this particular behavior of the reptiles in his short film "Cool Water for Ana the Anaconda."

The documentary features Diego and his sister Alicia cuddling with the creatures after Diego has helped restore water to an anaconda habitat which has dried up due to global warming.

Global warming is caused by man, who Diego alleges, "Gives so-so hugs."

Monday, October 02, 2006

Online Chat I Done Had

Watch me talk circles around this city slicker in a chat we done had:

Erik: You tried out GPS yet, Hank?
Me: Nah, I figure I'll just use a pitchfork.
Erik: A pitchfork?
Me: Sure. Near as I figure, it's as good as any electronic Gopher Perforation System.
Erik: No, Hank, a GPS. You know--for tracking.
Me: Oh, you mean Goat Poop Sawdust. I got that. Keeps people from tracking goat poop all over the place.
Erik: Look, I'm talking about GPS. For your car.
Me: Oh yeah, I got that. I got it for the pickup.
Erik: But that truck's on blocks in your yard!
Me: Yeah, and it drips oil like a greaser on a treadmill. Why else would I need a Groundwater Protection System?
Erik: You're on the cutting edge, Hank.
Me: Durn tootin'.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Officials Say Drug Use Likely In Anna Nicole Tragedy

NASSAU, BAHAMAS - Officials now confirm there were very likely drugs involved in the recent tragedy of Anna Nicole Smith's wedding to her lawyer, Howard K. Stern.

The marriage followed recent spate of talk show appearances by Stern where he tried to persuade anyone to care that he was the father of her child.

Yet another lawyer for the pair has said the couple merely "exchanged vows" and that the ceremony was not "legally binding."

"This isn't about a piece of paper," said Stern. "Besides, who cares about a license as long as you have a really good pre-nup?"