Saturday, October 21, 2006

Ask O.J. Simpson

"Mr. Simpson, I'm the star running back on my high school's varsity football team. What advice can you give me about how I can make it to the NFL?"

Signed,
Aspiring in Aspen

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Expiring,

Well, I never made it to the NFL. But here's how I would do it, hypothetically. I would probably hide in the bushes after dark and wait. When the NFL came close by, I would leap out of the bushes and do whatever I had to do to make sure I made it into the NFL. I would put everything I had into it so that I could make every cut and would not rest until my goal had been reached.

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"Mr. Simpson, I'm thinking of buying a house in California. The weather is so wonderful and there's so much to do there. But the real estate prices are outrageous. Do you have any home-buying advice for me?"

Signed,
Buying in Brentwood

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Dying,

I've never lived in California. But here's how I would do it. Hypothetically speaking, I would hide in the bushes after dark and wait. Then, when a good-looking, blonde, female real estate agent walked by, I would jump out of the bushes and confront her. She would never see it coming. I would strike swiftly and force her to meet my demands. She would have no choice. I would cut deeply into her expected selling price. She would be caught off guard and would be helpless to resist my offer. I would show her no mercy.

-----

"Mr. Simpson, I'm shopping for a new automobile. I'm considering buying a Ford SUV, but I'm not sure if that would be the best choice. What do you recommend?"

Signed,
Hard Decision Coming For Me

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Had It Coming To Her,

I've never been in a Ford SUV. But if I were to ever take a Ford SUV for a test drive, here's how I would do it. Hypothetically, I would first get $8,000 in cash, a fake goatee and mustache, my passport, and a loaded .357 Magnum. I would then ride in the back seat with the gun pointed at my head while my friend drove. We would first drive toward Mexico, then double back and go to my house. When we got there, I would refuse to come out of the vehicle. Then I would hire Johnnie Cochran.

-----

"Mr. Simpson, Johnnie Cochran's dead."

Signed,
Bob in Boston

O.J. Simpson responds:

Dear Got What She Deserved,

I had nothing to do with that.

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