Thursday, November 30, 2006

My Poor Cat Has Snipes

First, I want to thank my fellow blogger Erik for taking my cat to the vet yesterday. It was very nice of him. I know that Erik absolutely hates cats, and is allergic to them, and that he had something else scheduled for the time when I asked him to take my cat to the vet, but my TiVo was broken, and I just really, really couldn't miss the part 2 of Justice League on Boomerang, and so Erik really went above and beyond. You RoXoRz!

But he came back with terrible news. My cat has Snipes! Erik said the tests were some of the worst results the vet had ever seen. The poor thing!

I'm typing this with gloves on because Erik said the Snipes are really bad and I should only hold the cat with rubber gloves.

Apparently the vet said the only thing to do is give her vinegar and egg white baths twice a day for two weeks. I gave her one last night and this morning, but now I mixed her up another bath this evening, but I haven't been able to find her for the past three hours.

I think if I can't get it in the bath I might need to put the vinegar and egg whites in a squirt bottle and just spray it on the cat. I'm afraid if I miss a bath, the two weeks might have to start over!

I just don't know what to do!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Woman Accidentally Loves Coworker

A woman in California suffered extreme embarrassment today when she inadvertently signed a brief e-mail to a coworker with an inappropriately affectionate closing. This blog has obtained a copy of the e-mail, which is reprinted here:

Tim,

Thanks for the heads-up on the 3:00 meeting with Finance. You are a life-saver!

Love,

Michelle


The woman in question, Michelle Robbins, reportedly had been answering several personal e-mails from people such as her husband, mother, and best friend from college immediately prior to responding to Tim's e-mail. According to one report, Robbins claims she intended to sign the work-related e-mail with a simple "--Michelle" or "~Michelle" (or possibly, as another source suggests, "Thanks, Michelle"). She apparently had a mental lapse and absentmindedly signed the e-mail in the same manner as she had the previous ones.

One unnamed source reports Robbins was extremely embarrassed by the situation but was not sure how to address it. "Michelle doesn't want to admit to spending a bunch of time writing personal e-mails while at work," said the source. "But she also doesn't want Tim to get any wrong ideas. She really is a happily married woman--this wasn't a Freudian thing. She just forgot who she was writing to for a second."

Robbins is reportedly leaning toward sending an e-mail to the entire company regarding an upcoming holiday party and signing the message with "Love, Michelle" to let Tim know that she "loves" everyone at the company, not only him.

Michael Richards And John Kerry To Open Comedy School

On a personal note, I just wanted to announce that I've enrolled in the inaugural session of the Michael Richards/John Kerry comedy school.

The Kerry-Kramer Komedy Klasses are fairly exclusive, and after the three week course, you get a diploma and a KKKK t-shirt, so I'm kind of excited.

I'm hoping this decision will affect the popularity of this website. According to the brochure, "It's not so much about getting laughs as it is about getting attention." And getting attention without getting laughs sounds like just the formula for success this website would have to use.

According to the John Kerry quote on the back of the brochure, "People can use this course, study hard, graduate, and go on to successfully get national attention for their comedy routines. Those who don't will get stuck in politics."

There is apparently no quote from Richards because the print shop refused to run it.

Wish me luck!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Book Banned From Libraries For Encouraging Anti-Patriarchal Violence

Libraries across the country have begun to ban Hop On Pop by Dr. Seuss following a spate of violence against fathers across the nation.

The Father's Rights groups have even called into question the medical credentials of the author.

Emergency room physicians have begun to recommend schools hold clinics regarding the spate of what they call "Reading Related Violence." "Cats should not really be forced to wear headgear, you should not attempt to put socks on foxes or any other form of wildlife, and if you want your dog to go, he really shouldn't be the one driving. Green eggs and ham, on the other hand, you are free to enjoy wherever and with whomever you want."

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Wealthy Foreign Rulers Helping US Economy Rebound Via Email

The US Economy is experiencing a healthy upswing, due in large part to an ever-growing number of very wealthy foreigners who are transferring large sums of money to people with free email accounts.

"The second I saw his email address, I knew I could trust him," said Oblidagi Rhutimbanni of Chuck Waterson of Biloxi, MI. Chuck's email address is reallybigstyxfan42@hotmail.com. "I know he will be as loyal to me and my money as he is to the unique keyboard stylings of Dennis DeYoung."

Chuck admits to being dubious at first, but became convinced once Rhutimbanni allayed his concern that this "Foreigner" had something to do with Mick Jones' band. "I was dubious. Juke Box Hero was crap, you know? But I guess there's more than one kind of Foreigner."

Gerti Chzevnick, widow of the billionaire Olaf Chzevnick, had a similar experience in selecting Eunice Tremble to act as her US agent. "On a cat lover's forum, I came across Mary's post reviewing various brands of cat hair trimmers. With that level of attention to detail, she would be perfect for managing my late husband's estate until I can quell this situation with the rebel insurgents."

Recent studies have suggested that, given the current rate of overthrow, widowing, and other difficulties among wealthy foreigners, by the end of the decade, one in four Americans will be overseeing large amounts of foreign money. And a disproportionately large number will be minors, as they are the most common users of the types of free email services the foreign millionaires prefer to use to find Americans.

"I don't know why they pick us," said 13-year-old Britney Wright, aka bringbackboybands@yahoo.com. Britney manages the estates of two foreign diplomats and one widow. "But I'm just glad to be able to help these poor rich people."

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Entire Country Robbed, Trampled For New Toy

Everyone in America was robbed and subsequently trampled Saturday during the release of the new Tickle Me Power Ranger CabbageStation Elmo Patch Kids 3. The hot new item, a collaborative effort between Mattel, Hasbro and Sony, combines elements from several toys of the past three decades that each sparked manic shopping frenzies in their respective debut holiday shopping seasons.

"Literally all of America loves our new product," said a beaming Bob Rogers, spokesman for Mabroney, the new joint venture company responsible for the latest fad. "Everyone has to have it--or else."

The trouble started when every person in America lined up late Friday night outside the nearest Toys 'R' Us store. Everyone was robbed in sequential order for the massive amounts of cash they were carrying. Many were also robbed of their 401(k) plans and the deeds to their houses. Then, when the stores opened at 12:01 A.M., every man, woman and child in America was trampled in the rush to purchase one of the new TMPRCSEPK3 units.

"It's no mystery why this toy is so overwhelmingly popular," said Rogers. "We've taken every mania-inducing element of every overhyped toy of every Christmas shopping season of the past 23 years and put them all in one package. People, quite literally, are dying to have it."

Several trial lawyers are already inviting all Americans to join class action lawsuits against everyone in America.

The TMPRCSEPK3 is in extremely short supply, with only eight units initially available in the United States. Many people hoping to buy one of the toys were actually planning to resell it for a large profit. The item, which has a retail price of $999, is expected to fetch upwards of one million dollars at online auction sites such as eBay.

"If we can just get one Tickle Me Power Ranger CabbageStation Elmo Patch Kids 3, we'll be able to pay for everything else--forever," said one woman waiting in line outside a Toys 'R' Us store in Denver. The woman wished to remain nameless so she wouldn't be mugged again.

Some critics have accused Mabroney of artificially limiting supply to create hysteria over the new toy, a charge Rogers adamantly denies. "We are producing the TMPRCSEPK3 as fast as we possibly can. But the marketing technology we pack into this product is brand-new and we don't yet have enough assembly lines that are sufficiently equipped to manufacture it. We simply cannot keep up with the overwhelming demand. Besides, if we wanted to intentionally limit supply to make the product's value go up, Mabroney would just put the toys directly on eBay instead of distributing them to the stores to be sold at the retail price and letting the individual buyers receive all of the markup at auction... hey, wait a minute. Shoot."

Friday, November 17, 2006

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

O.J. Simpson To Reveal How He Would Obtain A PlayStation 3

On the eve of the sales launch of the new PlayStation 3, O.J. Simpson is planning to reveal how he would, theoretically, obtain one of the highly coveted, hard-to-acquire video game consoles.

In his new book, "If I Gamed," Simpson tells how he would go about securing a PlayStation 3 for purchase, given that the initial supply of consoles when they go on sale will be far exceeded by demand.

In the book's first chapter, "Payback For 2," Simpson laments how he was "disrespected" and "wronged" by what he feels was, hypothetically, an unsatisfactory gaming experience he would have probably had if he had ever owned and played a PlayStation 2. In the book's later chapters, Simpson outlines how he would, theoretically, "make sure [he] would get a PlayStation 3 when it first goes on sale and use it to get revenge for all of the past injustices [he] endured at the hands of the PS2."

The book's final chapter, "If They Run Out At Best Buy, You Must Kill A Guy," details how Simpson would deal with a console shortage. "If they were all sold out before I got to the front of the line," writes Simpson, "I would, hypothetically, follow the guy who bought the last one out to his car. Then I would go into a wild rage and black out. When I came to, I'd be sitting on my couch, playing my brand-new PlayStation 3. It would be kind of difficult, though, because my hands would be all bandaged and bloody. But that's how I would do it."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Britney Spears Prediction

Hey guys. Nostradamus here. I know everyone's been talking about the election over the last couple of days, but since I already knew ahead of time how it was all going to turn out, I haven't been paying much attention. Which means I've had plenty of time to focus on what's really important--entertainment gossip.

As you've probably heard by now, Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Fedco. Well, I'm going to beat the tabloids to the punch and predict right here, right now, who Britney will hook up with next. . .

You know that guy who played Doogie Howser?

Yup.

You heard it here first!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Under Construction

This joke is under construction.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Apologize For All Of My Botched Jokes

Senator John Kerry apologized today for what he called a "botched joke" he made about President Bush which was interpreted by many as insulting to American troops in Iraq. Well, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for all of my botched jokes, too. So, my fellow Americans, whenever you see a botched joke on this blog with my name on it, please know that I meant no offense.

And, if you're not American, I'll type really slowly so that you can keep up.