Sunday, December 31, 2006

Toothpaste No Longer Dangerous Now That Saddam Is Dead

The Transportation Security Administration announced today that now that Saddam Hussein is no longer alive, it is safe to bring toothpaste with you on commercial airplanes. The agency explained that since Hussein has been executed toothpaste no longer gives the terrorists an opportunity to win. Therefore, the limit on carry-on toothpaste quantity has been increased from 3 ounces to 84 pounds.

Snow globes, however, remain weapons of terror and are not allowed. So make sure you throw them away before going to the airport, preferably as soon as you receive them from your aunts and grandmothers:

YOU: (unwrapping gift to reveal snow globe) "Thank you, Aunt Mildred, for the beautiful snow globe."


YOUR AUNT MILDRED: But. . . why did you just throw it in the trash can?

YOU: Trust me, Aunt Mildred. It's for the best. The terrorists hate us for our freedom.

Also, effective immediately, the terror alert level has been elevated to "Lowered" (mauve).

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Mildlyamusing Christmas Wishes For All

May your snowmen be frosty
May your jingle bells rock
May you smile at what you find
Stuffed in your socks

We hope that your Navidad's
Muy Feliz
And you finish this Christmas
With both your front teeth

Even at midnight, we hope
That the moon
Can make all the snow outside
Glow like it's noon

May your Christmas be colored
With white and not blue . . .
We wish all the season's
Best blessings for you!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Snipes Has My Poor Cat

Oh my gosh! I just saw on the news that Wesley Snipes has my cat! He's facing 16 years in prison for stealing my cat and demanding a ransom of nearly twelve million dollars! I hate Wesley Snipes! I bet he's a member of a different political party than I am!

Kitty, come home!

People Outraged By Smell Of Cookies

San Francisco city officials have ordered the removal of the newly installed "Got Milk?" bus shelter ads that smell like cookies because people were very upset about them. Some fear the smells will cause reactions in people who are allergic to cookies, while others complain that the odors are unsafe to breathe, preferring instead to inhale pure bus exhaust. Other city residents have objected to the controversial aromas on the grounds that they are offensive to poor and homeless people who cannot afford to purchase their own cookies.

Now I will start to make stuff up.

San Francisco officials are also ending all bus service in the city because they are afraid of offending people who can't afford a bus ticket. In addition, eating is now outlawed within city limits, since some people don't have enough money to buy food, apparently due to poor panhandling technique. In keeping with this municipal legislative philosophy, it is also now illegal to not give money to panhandlers upon request. The new minimum compulsory donation is twenty dollars per hand per day, up to a maximum of forty dollars per panhandler per day (panhandlers with more than two hands are subject to the forty dollar daily maximum). This new law, of course, is expected to spark even more controversy, as it could be perceived as unfair to those panhandlers who have only one hand and those who have zero hands. It is expected that another new law will be proposed that will mandate the removal of both hands from all city residents.

It is now also illegal to have body odor in San Francisco, unless you are poor or homeless. In that case, you are allowed to have body odor if you are able to afford it. Otherwise, there is no body odor allowed, as it may offend people who also may or may not be offended by the smell of cookies. There has not yet been a decision about the possibility of allowing body-odor-scented cookies and what, if any, advertising would be permitted for them.

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Hey folks, Nostradamus here. I normally post my prophecies on this blog for all to see. But today I have a very special post for a very special lady. Her name is Jennifer Aniston.

Jen, I've been hearing rumors lately on Entertainment Tonight and Extra. Rumors that you and Vince Vaughn have broken up. I know you've been denying it, but. . .

Jennifer, I wrote the following quatrain for you in the year 1557 and I feel it's time to share it with you now.

I'm hungrier for you than a hippopotamus;
My love must not remain anonymous;
I reject the foisting of Vince Vaughn upon us;
How do you like the sound of Jennifer Nostradamus?

Jen, we'd be perfect together. I can see it now. No, I mean I can really see it now. The media could refer to us as "Nostraniston." Or "Jennostfer." We could have babies and not let people see them. Or we could adopt some babies from Africa and make sure everyone sees them.

Let me know!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

This Blog Wants To Smell

Using the same technology as the recent "Got Milk?" campaign's bus shelter ads that smell like cookies, this blog has decided it might be a good idea to give our blog an odor.

Besides, it's appropriate that smell funny.

But we need your help!

What should we make our blog smell like?
Cookies, like the "Got Milk?" Ads
Starbucks Coffee
Seasonal Smells (eg Christmas Trees, Firework Smoke)
Circus Peanuts
Wisps of Garden Breeze
Joe Blogger's Musty Apartment
Hank's Barn
Keyboard Lint free polls

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Erik Is A Great Big Jerk

I take back everything good I said about that punk jerk cat-torturer Erik.

Yesterday I finally found the cat, but it wouldn't go into the bowl of egg whites and vinegar I'd mixed up, and trying to get her in, I knocked the bowl off on my carpet. I let go of the cat to try to get the bowl, but it slipped through my rubber gloves.

I still haven't found my cat after that one.

I called the vet to ask whether the two weeks had to start over when I did find her, and if there was some way I could tell whether the treatment was being effective. They said my cat had never shown up this week. When I told them what had happened, I think they put me on hold so they could laugh at me.

Kitty, come home! We'll give you a proper bath and take care of you!

And as for Erik, I want him kicked off the blog. And if the rest of the bloggers won't do it, then I'm leaving. My poor cat is out wandering around somewhere with those tough, hardened street cats, wondering what it did to make him deserve the treatment I've been giving him. It's all Erik's fault. Either he goes, or I will.