Sunday, December 31, 2006

Toothpaste No Longer Dangerous Now That Saddam Is Dead

The Transportation Security Administration announced today that now that Saddam Hussein is no longer alive, it is safe to bring toothpaste with you on commercial airplanes. The agency explained that since Hussein has been executed toothpaste no longer gives the terrorists an opportunity to win. Therefore, the limit on carry-on toothpaste quantity has been increased from 3 ounces to 84 pounds.

Snow globes, however, remain weapons of terror and are not allowed. So make sure you throw them away before going to the airport, preferably as soon as you receive them from your aunts and grandmothers:

YOU: (unwrapping gift to reveal snow globe) "Thank you, Aunt Mildred, for the beautiful snow globe."

SNOW GLOBE: WUNK!

YOUR AUNT MILDRED: But. . . why did you just throw it in the trash can?

YOU: Trust me, Aunt Mildred. It's for the best. The terrorists hate us for our freedom.

Also, effective immediately, the terror alert level has been elevated to "Lowered" (mauve).

Happy New Year!

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