Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Business Jargon to Plain Speech Dictionary

Today we present the Business Jargon to Plain Speech Dictionary:

"visibility into": knowledge of

"He has no visibility into the difference between his rear and a hole in the ground."

means

"He has no knowledge of the difference between his rear and a hole in the ground."

"a win": good

"This is a win."

means

"This is good."

Likewise,

"This is a win meatloaf."

means

"This is good meatloaf."

"at the end of the day": (has no meaning; can be removed from a sentence without changing the meaning of the sentence)

"At the end of the day, I'm just full of hot air."

means

"I'm just full of hot air."

"leverage": use

"At the end of the day, a crowbar leverages leverage to multiply mechanical force. This is a win."

means

"A crowbar uses leverage to multiply mechanical force. This is good."

Monday, January 29, 2007

Hubble's Gots Battery Troubles

Yup. You read that right.

Those eggheads at NASA figured out another way to screw up the biggest project they got goin'. This time they let the batteries die on their big telescope.

Now I feel a trifle bad for those boys at NASA. Heaven knows I wouldn't want half the world hearing about what things I done with my tools every time somethin' or other goes wrong with 'em. But things go wrong on this thing--and it seems they always do--it's all over every paper on the planet.

Quite frankly, I think people should be a trifle wiser about what they say about the government agency that has a great big cameras and telescopes up in the sky. Especially if you might be growing things in your back 40 you wouldn't want the government agencies that don't have the cameras to know about.

I mean seriously, you've seen the Hubble photos, right? There's like what, six of them? The government launched that thing up there, shot off a couple quick picks of deep space to make the folks at Omni magazine happy, and then they whirled that bird around and pointed it right back at us.

So I say, power to you NASA! Love you boys, and love everything you're doing.

And that patch back there on the back 40 is just ivy. Boring, uninteresting ivy.

Labels:

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Erik Should Be Gone Instead Of My Cat

It all started when Erik, the great big jerk, told me my cat had snipes. Turns out that was all a big hoax, but it drove my cat away!

And then, my cat was kidnapped by a desperate celebrity.

Since the outpouring of love for my cat from the readers has been less than I'd hoped for, I see no other option:

Since the management of this website refused to take Erik off when I told them to, I found a solution that will get Erik off the blog, and save my cat.

I have kidnapped, Erik, and am holding him for a twelve million dollar ransom. Erik can come back when I can have my cat back.

This is no joke! Until my PayPal balance reaches twelve million dollars, I will not feed him or let him use the bathroom or anything. Don't mess with me on this one! I want my cat back!

Current Mood: Missing My Cat


Here's a picture of the sofa where my cat should be:

Friday, January 26, 2007

Burger Flippers Flipping Over Federline Ad


The National Restaurant Association has chastised Nationwide Mutual Insurance over an upcoming Super Bowl ad.

The ad reportedly features Kevin Federline, AKA The Artist Formerly Known As Mr. Britney Spears, living the life of a rap star, only to wake up at the end of the commercial to discover he's a lowly employee at a "down and out fast food restaurant."

You know what, NRA? We're with you on this one. Not only is this ad demeaning, but it ignores the long and glorious tradition of dignified depictions of fast-food workers in the media.

Not to mention that your average fast-food worker makes way more an hour than TAFKAMBS's last album made.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Americans Get Two Extra Days To Cheat On Their Taxes

Taxpayers around the country will get an extra two days, until April 17, to cheat on their taxes, the Internal Revenue Service said Wednesday.

The two-day extension to the cheating period comes about because April 15 falls on a Sunday this year and April 16 is Emancipation Day, a legal holiday in the District of Columbia.

"American taxpayers work hard to falsify their tax returns and these extra two days should help them to achieve their financial goals," said IRS spokesman Tom Cooper. "The IRS strongly urges all Americans to use this 48-hour extension to their utmost advantage. It should be an essential aid in the last-minute rush to invent fictitious dependents and forge receipts for false deductions."

Taxpayers all over the U.S. welcomed the news. "I'm expecting an extra big refund this year," said Chicago resident Albert Kapone. "I plan to file early and, thanks to the two-day extension, often."

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: Jack Bauer


Welcome to the latest installment of our regular-as-clockwork feature, "Ten Second Interview Of The Week."

Today's guest is someone very familiar with clocks, Jack Bauer, hero of TV's 24.

Here is the transcript:

US: Mr. Bauer, there's been a lot of controversy regarding the show 24. Recently, after the show featured a nuclear bomb detonated by terrorists near Los Angeles, the show has been criticized for having a pro-Bush agenda. However, last season, when the plot featured an evil President conspiring to cause a war in the middle east for oil, many thought this was an anti-Bush message. What are the show's politics, Mr. Bauer?

BAUER: I think you misunderstood the nature of this interview. I'm the one who has some questions.

US: Hey, wait, what are you doing with that lamp? You can't--


[END TRANSCRIPT]

Labels: ,

Monday, January 22, 2007

SUDOKU MANIA!!!

It's the huge puzzle craze sweeping the world! Now it's cool to like puzzles! It's not some cheesy crossword puzzle or word search! It's Sudoku!!

Now mildlyamusing.com is getting in on the act. You can do your favorite Japanese number puzzles right here!

Difficulty: Mild

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Check Out The New mildlyamusing.com Store

That's right--we've got a store now, too! There are t-shirts for you, your baby, and your dog. There's even an assortment of other items that allow you to express your slight bemusement with everyone around you, whether you're at the office, at home, or at the barbecue.

Check out these quotes!

"This is the greatest thing anyone's ever done."--Our Moms.

"When you meet the person of your dreams, you're going to be wearing a mildlyamusing.com shirt. Might as well pick it up now."--Nostradamus

"I never bought a mildlyamusing.com shirt. But if I did, this is where I bought it."--OJ Simpson

Labels:

Thursday, January 18, 2007

59th Post!

Wow, I just realized this is the 59th post to appear on this blog! That is so awesome!!!

What a huge milestone! Let's make the next 59 posts even better!

Labels: ,

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Hank's iPhone Review

Alright, alright, enough already! The guys at the website done keep askin' when I'm a gonna post my iPhone review.

Well, forgive me for being the hippest hick around, but I got me one of these a way back, and had no idea there was so much fuss over them. Matter of fact, everybody in town has one. Guess Wired magazine just missed us as the real most wired city in America.

As for my review: They get the job done.

Here's a pic of my iPhone, case you're interested.

The Terminator On Crutches Frowning At An Orange






















(Photo credit: AFP/Getty Images/Justin Sullivan)

Monday, January 15, 2007

Congratulations To A Real Winner

In honor of the Golden Globes, I took it upon myself to go out and find someone who had accomplished something readers of this blog might actually care about.

I found this man.

U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration supervisor George Hood broke the Guinness World Record for spin cycling, clocking in at 85-hours--over 1,000 miles.

Previously, Hood had broken the world's record for jump roping, at 13 hours.

Much like the Golden Globes, both of these records represented expending a whole lot of energy, without actually getting anybody anywhere.

For future records, we suggest:


  • Sitting On Hold With Dell Customer Service

  • Waiting Between New Episodes of Lost

  • Trying To Find a Decent Movie At A Video Store He Hasn't Already Seen

  • Most Hours Spent Asking Back And Forth, "I Don't Know, What Do You Feel Like Eating?" (Requires Partner)

  • Trying To Find Something Shelved Properly In WalMart*

  • Most Consecutive Repeated Performances of the "Electric Slide"


*By "Shelved Properly," we mean, "Is on a shelf." We don't mean shelved in the right place.

Not even this guy has that much endurance.

Labels:

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Another Correction

Hey, it's Nostradamus here. I wanted to post another correction regarding my 2007 predictions. As you'll recall, I predicted last week that the Baltimore Ravens would win the Super Bowl. As it turns out, the Baltimore Ravens were eliminated from the playoffs yesterday in just their first postseason game.

Well, I need to apologize to the Baltimore Ravens for affecting the outcome of that game. You see, the Ravens' loss was what's known as a "self-unfulfilled prophecy." After the Ravens heard that I had predicted that they would win the Super Bowl, they relaxed because they knew my prophecy would come true. As a result, they didn't play very hard in the game and actually wound up losing.

My bad!

Fox Announces Midseason Replacements

Citing flagging ratings, Fox has announced the following midseason replacements to bolster its prime time lineup:

Full House M.D. -- A brilliant young widowed father quickly and accurately diagnoses the rare medical conditions of his three daughters even though he first met the girls only ten minutes ago.

The War at Home in Iraq -- A dysfunctional family trades witty barbs for half an hour every week in the name of regime change.

The O.C.D. -- Attractive young people have relationship problems because they spend all day counting things and cleaning their houses.

Welcome Back, Bauer -- A federal agent returns to the same Brooklyn high school from which he graduated in order to prevent a terrorist attack led by John Travolta.

Labels:

Saturday, January 13, 2007

What Twist Will American Idol Steal?

An executive producer for the popular Fox show American Idol has hinted that there will be a "big twist" coming during the next season. We have some ideas for possible twists they might be stealing from other shows.

The Sixth Sense Twist: At the end of the episode, it is revealed that, to everyone's surprise, the judges' own music careers are all dead.

The Star Trek Twist: Although it will look like doom is inevitable, at the very last moment, someone will suggest that if they exedrinate their Robitussin Field, the calcifate will deiodine, and everyone will be okay.

The CSI Twist: DNA testing reveals that Paula Abdul, is not, in the strictest sense, human.

The Newhart Twist: The entire show will be revealed to be a really weird dream Ryan Seacrest, a fairly unknown DJ, is having.

The Lost Twist: A prior episode gets played out almost exactly the same, but from another character's point of view, until we get the shocking revelation that, unbeknownst to everyone, the new viewpoint character saw things a wee little bit differently.

The 24 Twist: All of the winning contestants are killed at the very end of the episode, forcing the judges to start all over from square one.

Labels:

Friday, January 12, 2007

GROCERY STORE CONSPIRACY TO STEEL MY PENNIES

The man is trying to stick it to us again! And now it's in grocery stores.

I'm in the grocery store today, and I bought three frozen dinners, a box of Eggos, and some cat food, because even though I don't know where my cat is, I still have hope

My total came to $13.78, and I gave the lady a twenty. Here's where it gets crazy:

She handed me back six dollars. Even. No change.

And I care about my change, because every penny I get goes to my fund for trying to pay the ransom to Wesley Snipes.

So I raised a stink. I made sure every person in that store knew about how that lady was trying to short change me, and keep me from getting back my cat.

When I finally calmed down, she pointed at this little tray next to the table where you sign your credit card. There were two dimes and two pennies inside.

At first, I thought she was trying to convince me that the "take a penny, leave a penny" pennies were my change.

But it was even more insidious than that! I could see that there was a little slot there that made the change come out after I noticed she short changed me. And she couldn't have just installed something like that herself. Only the grocery store could have done that! Which means the grocery store is installing mechanical devices to help create alibis for their employees who shortchange customers!

When I checked, they had these things at every single register!

I'm telling you, I'm not paying cash for anything any more! And since I already gave up using my credit card, because of the way the phone lines that verify credit card numbers can be monitored, that leaves me only one option.

Thank goodness PayPal has never caused anybody any problems.

Now if I can just get them to take it at the grocery store.

You Can Get Any Odor!

Google Ads can meet all your needs, no matter what you're looking for.


Seen a google ad you want to share? Take a screenshot and send it in!

Labels:

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Flight Departures Not Announced

Seen at San Jose (California) International Airport, December 2006:
















Thank you. That's very helpful.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Correction

In my last post, I predicted the final score of the National Championship Game Bowl Bowl Game would be Ohio State 45, Florida 14. I meant to say 41-14. And I meant to say Florida would have 41 and Ohio State would have 14.

So that means I'm one-for-one so far in 2007!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

The

Ha ha! Today I hack Blogger!

Being astutely observant, I've noticed the way Blogger names a page based on the title of the corresponding post. For example, a post named "Really Funny Post" would result in a page named really-funny-post.html. But Blogger leaves out the word "the" when it creates the title of the page. So, a post named "This Is The Best Post Ever" would result in a page named this-is-best-post-ever.html. This made me wonder what would happen if the post was just named "The." Blogger should leave out the "The" and just call the file .html. But that's not a valid filename for a website is it? Will mildlyamusing.com be swallowed into a black hole? Will the universe come to an end?

Probably both!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

2007 Predictions

Well, it's a new year and that means it's time for some new knowledge. Knowledge of things that haven't even happened yet. We in the business call them "predictions."

So here, then, are my 2007 Predictions:

  • National Championship Game Bowl Game: Ohio State 45, Florida 14
  • Super Bowl Champion: Baltimore Ravens
  • Britney Spears: Will get married
  • Britney Spears: Will get divorced
  • Jessica Simpson: Will star in a new television advertising campaign for Tony Roma's wondering if she can eat at the restaurant for free now that she is dating Tony Romo.
  • Jennifer Aniston: Will be hot.
  • You: Will owe money on your income tax return. That sucks!
  • Saddam: Just hangin' out.
  • Terror alert color (January - March): Burnt Sienna
  • Terror alert color (April - December): Periwinkle
  • Me: Bloggin' like it's 1999!