Monday, March 19, 2007

Attention Toys R Us: Bring Your $90 Mil Here

Sorry we've been slow to update, but we've been busy vying for the attention of Toys Backwards R Us.

See, they're trying to decide who to give their $90 million advertising campaign to, and we're trying to get ourselves in the running.

They've narrowed it down to five companies, perhaps the most prominent of which is ours.

In trying to prepare for their visit, we've been trying to guess their selection strategy, and have decided there is only one possibility. They will resort to the same strategy everyone is using to decide who is the best fit for their job: Televised competitions only marginally related to the job in question.

So we here at have been preparing for every possible competition scenario.

Joe Blogger is ready--he's been going nuts doing online karaoke in case this turns out to be a talent competition.

Hank has gotten all doodied up in his finest duds in case this turns out to be a romantically rooted completion.

Nostradamus is ready to go if it turns out to be a celebrity reality show, but only, as he put it, "If it involves my one and only true love, the only girl in the world, as far as I'm concerned: Jennifer Anniston. Or maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt."

We're trying to get Jarrod to read the whole Wikipedia in case it turns out to be a trivia contest, but he's not returning our emails.

And as for me?

Well, everybody around here says there's no better candidate for a makeover show. Some are saying it's the role I've been preparing for all my life.

So bring it on, Geoffrey, you big yellow pencil-neck! We're ready for whatever you've got.

Friday, March 09, 2007

The World Will End This Sunday

Is it too late for me to predict that the early daylight saving time change coming up on Sunday is going to cause computer problems across the country that will be much, much worse than anything the Y2K bug ever did? No? Okay, good. Then I'm predicting that now.

Since this will probably be my last post before the end of the world, I'd like to take this opportunity to say goodbye.


Hmm. . . I just realized the daylight saving time rule changes are only taking place in the United States. So I guess only the United States will end on Sunday. But I'm too lazy to go back and change the title of this post.

Goodbye, United States!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

David Blaine Doing "Lots of Stuff," Just Not On TV

A representative for David Blaine held a press conference this week and did not announce any upcoming stunts, but did outline a number of feats the performer has performed at home in his spare time.

"Oh, he's doing lots of stuff," said the spokesman. "Like this one time, when he hadn't paid his gas bill, he ate a whole box of Van DeKamp's Fried Fish Fillets straight out of the freezer."

He also reportedly has found new uses for his powers of disipline, which in the past have helped him stay in a block of ice or stand on a pole for several days.

"A couple weeks ago, he sat through the entire Green Acres marathon on TV Land. Mr. Haney makes David almost crack a smile."

David also reportedly, "waited in this one really long line at Hollywood video. I don't mean just regular long, I mean really long. There was only this one girl helping customers, and she must have been new or something because she kept having to find somebody to help her with stuff, but everybody else was back in that little room in the corner doing who knows what.

"I think he even sat all the way through a couple of infomercials. Nobody else sits through those things, do they?"

Friday, March 02, 2007

Costco Tightens Its Return Policy

Citing widespread abuse of its previously lax rules, Costco is tightening its return policy. Customers will now have just 90 days from the date of purchase to return consumer electronics. Caskets, on the other hand, can still be returned whenever.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Congress Announces New New Daylight Saving Time Rules

This week Congress passed a new set of laws that is once again changing the rules regarding daylight saving time. Computer professionals, who were already scrambling to make sure their systems comply with the previously announced changes introduced by the Energy Policy Act of 2005, are now pondering the newly enacted Energy Policy Act of Twenty Minutes Ago.

Among the provisions in the Act:

--The start and end dates of daylight saving time will now be determined by zip code. Areas with even-numbered zip codes will begin daylight saving time on the second Sunday in March, while areas with odd-numbered zip codes will begin daylight saving time on August 12th. In zip codes that begin with a 1, 2, or 7, daylight saving time will end on the first Sunday in November. In zip codes that begin with a 3, 6, or 9, daylight saving time will end on July 4th. This means that in some zip codes daylight saving time will actually end before it begins. This will result in daylight spending time, during which accrued daylight will be spent and clocks will run backward.

--The above does not apply to zip codes that are multiples of 319, 682, or 7. In such areas, daylight saving time rules will be determined by telephone area codes, with dates determined by the following simple formulas:

DST start date = [first digit of area code] * [third digit of area code] - [second digit of area code] + 7

DST end date = 011 + [area code] + 1 / 33,967,110 + [the number you wish to reach]

--People who were born in January, March, or November must refrain from observing daylight saving time at all, unless they live on the east side of the street, and then only on Thursdays.

It is expected that these new rules will help to conserve more than three watts over the next ten years.