Saturday, May 26, 2007

Tips for Playing Poker With Friends

Playing high stakes poker with your friends? Looking for some tips to win big at poker in the privacy of your own home? Here are some helpful tips and strategy for how to do well with your buddies.

1. Bluffing is difficult when your opponents know when you're bluffing. Most card experts teach that your decision about when to bluff should be totally random, and not at all based on what cards you have. They say the player should use some random event, such as the position of the second hand of a clock or the color of his hidden cards to decide whether to bluff. This, they said, would insure you fooled your opponents.

They told us this right after they looked at their watch.

2. At some point, ring in a pinochle deck. A Pinochle deck is nothing but the high cards, 10 through the ace, repeated through the whole deck. Your friends won't know this--nobody knows the rules for pinochle, let alone that the deck is weird.

Your friends will be super excited with their hands, and then suspect the worst in each other when they see everybody else's hands are just as good--that some of them even have the same cards.

When the fight starts, it's completely your choice whether you stick around and watch it or take the money off the table and run while everybody beats the stuffing out of each other.

3. Actually, forget pinochle. Nobody even remembers all the rules for poker. Does a straight beat a flush? Is a four of a kind higher or lower than a full house? Who the heck knows?

Don't bother pocketing extra aces. Instead, pocket extra rules cards. Just have one for each kind of hand, and pull it out when you need it. Nobody argues with rules cards.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Lost Theories

Well how's it going, everyone? It's Nostradamus here, blogging the day after the big Season Three finale of Lost. Everyone's trading theories about what's going on. Well, trade no more. Here are the theories you've been looking for. And by the way, these aren't just theories. This is the way it's gonna be.

Spoilers follow.

Prediction #1: Everyone on the island is already dead. They were killed by Tony Soprano's crew and dumped in the South Pacific.

Prediction #2: The DHARMA Initiative was started many years ago with the purpose of passing around a petition to save the TV show Dharma & Greg. It didn't work and the project failed. But it didn't matter because everyone was already dead (see Prediction #1).

Prediction #3: All of the supposed flashbacks in this series will be revealed to in fact be flash-sideways-es-es. That will explain a lot.

Prediction #4: Alternate realities and magnets and stuff. Really. Just wait and see.

Prediction #5: Longitudinal anomalies create angst vortexes on the island. This is what causes all of the brooding and stuff.

Prediction #6: There are no hatches.

Prediction #7: The plane was actually a train and the numbers represent the plane.

Prediction #8: Fate can only be run backwards but only within the prescribed boundaries.

Prediction #9: Hurley's not overweight. He's undertall. Am I right, Garfield?

Prediction #10: Ultimately, it's not a question of time and space. It's a question of questions. See how it all falls together? Yes.

And there you have it. Sorry to have ruined the final 48 episodes for you, but I warned you ahead of time.

Next time: I spoil the 2008 Summer Olympics!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

New Rasmussen Poll: Bush 4th Level Demon, Pelosi Secret Taliban Spi

Democrats surveyed think George W. Bush is actually a:

4th Level Demon: 48%
Evil Robot That Runs On Oil And Emits CFCs: 21%
Sex Offender in Hiding: 10%
Reincarnation of a Mongol Conqueror: 6%

Republicans surveyed think Nancy Pelosi is actually a:

Secret Taliban Spy: 52%
Chupacabra: 27%
Undersea Creature from the Amazon: 16%
Bad Guy From The A-Team TV Show: 8%

In the same survey, both sides cited "engaging in more civilized discourse" as the one thing the other side could do to improve the country's political climate.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Al-Qaeda Returns 10,000 Surge Protectors

In what is being called a "big misunderstanding," terrorists in Iraq are returning 10,000 surge protectors, purchased in the hopes they would help fight the US troop surge that has begun in Iraq.

Al-Qaeda purchased the devices from an unnamed online merchant in late April. "They just haven't worked out like we hoped," said a spokesman. "Those troops just keep right on surging."

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Get Shoulder-to-Shoulder on Southwest Airlines

In a move that some consider bold, Southwest Airlines has decided to make a number of streamlining changes to its service, including elminating such amenities as seats.

"In a breakneck-paced world like ours, customers aren't concerned about the frills. They just want to get there cheap and fast," said a spokesman.

Customers will still be herded onto the plane according to check in time, but will no longer have to trouble with selecting a seat, since all seats will be gone.

"We're just going to have them all stand in one big group. We plan to pack 'em in tight enough that we don't need to worry about seat belts or anybody falling down."

What about food and water?

"We announce we're going to start our beverage service, and then we get out the squirt guns. We announce which beverage will be next, and then we just look for open mouths. We've gotten to be pretty good shots."

"Peanuts we just toss out by the handful."

Monday, May 07, 2007

Duller Than A Dollar

Hello. Today I'd like to start a new catch phrase. The phrase is "Duller than a dollar." As in, "This party is duller than a dollar." Or, "That guy is duller than a dollar." You know how one dollar all by itself isn't all that exciting? That's what this soon-to-be catch phrase captures in a unique and innovative way.

I did a Google search for "Duller than a dollar" and got zero hits. Google suggested three search tips:

  • Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
  • Try different keywords.
  • Try more general keywords.

I think Google should offer a fourth suggestion:

  • Put up a web page containing your search phrase, wait a week or two, then come back and search again.

In a couple of weeks, we are gonna own "Duller than a dollar."

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Food Network Sets Sights On Competitive Pickling

Food Network, the cable channel that has found success turning a show about making desserts into a no-holds-barred grudge match, is about to unveil its latest competitive food preparation program. Let's Make a Dill premieres this Thursday at 9 P.M. / 8 P.M. Central. The new series will be hosted by Food Network star Alton Brown.

"I'm thrilled to be the emcee of the free world's first competitive pickling program," said Brown in an interview on the Let's Make a Dill set. "There was that short-lived series that aired on Soviet television back in the early eighties, You Must Find Something to Brine or You Will Face the Consequences, but our show is not a rip-off of that one. We've got a distinctly American vibe and no firing squad."

Regular segments on the show will feature Brown describing one of the 28 varieties of vinegar and explaining why you're dumb for not knowing how it's different from the other 27. There are also plans for a promotional crossover with Food Network's Iron Chef America in which that show's theme ingredient will be an item that was produced on Let's Make a Dill.

The first three episodes of the new series are scheduled to feature, in order, cucumbers, peppers, and cucumbers again.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Computer Science Joke Of The Week!

Q: What did the stack want to be when it grew up?

A: A heap!

( estimates that 0.00006% of its readership will understand this joke. Even fewer readers will think it's funny.)