Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sopranos Spoilers

Hey guys, it's Nostradamus. The long-awaited series finale of The Sopranos will air this coming Sunday night and I'm here on Thursday night with all the spoilers. I've actually been sitting on these since the year 1548, waiting for the perfect time to post them to maximize our Google AdSense revenue. So, without further ado. . .


Spoiler #1: After killing several people with his own hands over the course of the series and ordering the murders of many others, Tony Soprano finally goes to prison after being convicted of dumping asbestos in the New Jersey wetlands.

Spoiler #2: Tony gets out of prison after serving only three days of a 50-year sentence, due to an undisclosed medical condition.

Spoiler #3: A.J. joins the army and goes to fight in Iraq, hoping to kill a bunch of guys like his Dad does. A.J. quickly quits the army when he discovers whacking guys for the government isn't as cool as whacking guys for the mafia.

Spoiler #4: Silvio is not actually dead. He recovers from the seemingly mortal wounds he suffered in the next-to-last episode and turns state's evidence against Tony. Then Silvio enters the federal witness protection program and adopts a new identity as a guitar player in Bruce Springsteen's band.

Spoiler #5: Tony tracks Silvio down and then, in retaliation, whacks Bruce Springsteen.

Spoiler #6: A massive terrorist attack in New York kills everybody in all of the rival mafia families, leaving what's left of Tony's crew as the only operation running. Carmela, Meadow and A.J. are also killed in the attack but, as usual, nothing bad happens specifically to Tony. I mean, except for his wife and children dying, that is. But he's okay. And so are all of his mistresses. And now he's got all of that extra business left over from the other mafia families. Score!

Spoiler #7: It turns out that the terrorists responsible for the attack are those Middle Eastern guys that Tony's been keeping an eye on for the FBI. On behalf of a grateful nation, President Bush presents Tony with a medal for his efforts, however futile they have been. Tony then presents President Bush with a medal for his efforts, however futile they have been.

Spoiler #8: Now a widower, Tony starts dating his psychiatrist and they eventually get married. But then she starts causing him to have panic attacks, so he starts going to her office again for therapy where he discusses their problems with her and she offers him suggestions about ways to fix them. He then pays her for the sessions out of a joint checking account they have. It's all quite complicated, but they manage to squeeze it all into an hour-long episode somehow.

Spoiler #9: In the final scene of the series, it is revealed that Tony is fat and immoral.

There you go! Enjoy ruining it for your friends!


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