Friday, August 24, 2007

Richie To Write Tell-All Pamphlet About Prison Stay

Following her rigorous just-over-an-hour stay in prison, Nicole Richie now plans to write a pamphlet chronicling the experience.

Richie has already struck a deal with the publishers of such hit pamphlets as "The St. Louis Arch: A Visitor's Guide," "How To Win Big At Keno," and "You, Your Alpaca, and Your Alpaca's Ticks."

"I'm really excited about this opportunity to share my story with the world," said Richie. "There's so much to tell. Like the part where I was escorted to my cell. Oh, and the part where I was escorted out of my cell."

Her one hour and twenty minute prison stay is also being optioned by 24 producers Joel Surnow and Howard Gordon as a real-time movie.

"We know we're probably have to add some stuff to pad for time," said Surnow. "Show her get booked. Maybe show the drive there. We can fill the time. Maybe we'll have to show the drive home."

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Child Fears Tooth Fairy May Be Missing or Injured

The great economic stimulus the fairy world has provided in exchange for children's teeth may have come to an abrupt end this week, as the Tooth Fairy has failed to show up in one home for two consecutive nights.

"She's never done this before," said Annika Jones. "This just isn't like her."

Annika, age 7, of Biloxi, MI reports that despite carefully placing the tooth in the pocket of her "Tooth Fairy Pillow" and placing it under her pillow like she always does, the tooth fairy has, thus far, been a no-show.

"And it was one of those big back teeth," said Annika. "One of the biggest one's I've ever lost."

Her parents have tried to calm her fears, as well as the fears of a nation of children troubled by this development. "The Tooth Fairy may just have been forgetful this week," said her father. "Or tired. Or both. I'm sure it won't happen a third night."

The parents of other children in the neighborhood have offered to help in any way they can. "If they maybe need someone to call them up, maybe after Annika's bedtime, maybe we can 'check the status' of the situation," said another parent.

The office of the Tooth Fairy could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Texas Rangers Score 30 Runs In One Game

Ha, ha, made you look! I'm just kidding, of course.

Bush Finally Reveals Iraq Exit Strategy

President Bush finally revealed his Iraq exit strategy today during a press conference at the White House.

"We're gonna do it Sopranos-style," said Bush. "We're just gonna cut to black."

When asked by a reporter what exactly that meant, Bush replied, "It's just gonna end. It'll just be over. The American people won't see how it all turns out. Did we win? Did we lose? Did Tony Soprano die? Did Saddam Hussein come back from the dead and start running around as a zombie eating people's brains like in those movies that the kids like? All these questions will be left up to each person's imagination to answer."

Bush also outlined his administration's plans to address the lack of closure many Americans might feel following the cut-to-black in Iraq.

"We got some great new shows comin' up," said Bush. "Shows like Invasion: Iran. Shows like Patriot Act 2. People are gonna forget all about Iraq."

Bush also faced questions from reporters about what will become of all the American troops currently serving in Iraq when the cut-to-black happens.

"Don't worry about them," said Bush. "We're gonna give all of 'em roles on the new shows. You'll be seeing them again real soon."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

New Joe Blogger Post To Be Called New Joe Blogger Post

Okay, I guess the headline should be "New Joe Blogger Post to be Called New Joe Blogger Post To Be Called New Joe Blogger Post."

But then the title would have to be "New Joe Blogger Post to be Called New Joe Blogger Post to be Called New Joe Blogger Post To Be Called New Joe Blogger Post."

And from there . . . well, that's just way too much recursion for me.

And I don't even know what recursion means.

But a title like that should bring 'em in at least as fast as a post about the guy who made Lost. Just look at all that Joe Bloggery headliney goodness!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

New J. J. Abrams Movie To Be Called New J. J. Abrams Movie

Despite speculation that it might be called Overnight or Monstrous, the closely guarded title of the upcoming new J. J. Abrams movie has been revealed to be New J. J. Abrams Movie.

"We felt it was the best choice from a marketing standpoint," said Abrams during the official announcement. "I'm a pretty big deal these days, what with Lost being so popular and stuff, so we all thought we should just name the movie after me."

Technically, the film isn't even a J. J. Abrams film--it was directed by Matt Reeves. Abrams is one of the film's producers. But he doesn't see this as a problem.

"Yeah, Matt actually directed it," said Abrams. "He did a great job with it. But what are we gonna do? Call it New Matt Reeves Movie? Give me a break. No one's gonna get whipped into a frenzy over a title like that. I'd rather just call it Cloverfield in that case."

Friday, August 17, 2007

Writing Jobs For Short Attention Spans

Always wanted to be a successful author, but lack the mental focus to crank out a Stephen King-sized tome?

Never fear! Mildlyamusing.com's career helper has some suggestions for how to match your fondness for Webster, the word guy, with your attention span the size of Webster, the cute kid.

  • Write fortune cookies. We've been told this job has a lot of future in it.
  • Write the incorrect answers for multiple choice tests. When in doubt, try "The cotton gin."
  • Write plot summaries for TV guide and program directories. If Keifer Sutherland wants people to watch him kill terrorists, he's got to go through you.
  • Write the descriptions of the dishes for restaurant menus. Basically you just copy the ingredients list and add some adjectives. How many synonyms for "yummy" are in your thesaurus?
  • Write the happy little phrases that appear on bank receipts. Say "Have a nice day" in your own special way to all the customers of Eastern Ponkatah Valley Credit Union.
  • Write movie taglines. Especially easy for sequels. "This time, it's really, really, way even more beyond personal."
  • Write lists of things. Yeah, because those are really, um, they're . . .um . . . this is already long enough, isn't it?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Finland Breaks Karaoke Record

A karaoke club in Kouvola, a small town in Finland, passes the previous Chinese record of 145 hours of straight karaoke late Tuesday night, putting them well on their way to hitting their goal of 240 straight hours of karaoke by Sunday.

We sat down with the town of Kouvola to discuss the record.

Us: It's a privilege to talk to you today.

Kouvola: Let's get this party started.

Us: You bet. So is this something you've wanted to do for a while?

Kouvola: Always on my mind.

Us: So how did you feel once you decided to do it?

Kouvola: At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

Us: I can imagine. Why did you decide to go ahead and move forward with it?

Kouvola: It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.

Us: That's deep. Any other reasons?

Kouvola: Looking for adventure and whatever comes our way.

Us: And now, you finally passed the new record?

Kouvola: Yesterday.

Us: You've got to be excited.

Kouvola: Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

Us: And you're this little town of 30,000 people and you're beating a record set by China, this country that should have had billions of people to draw from to set the record.

Kouvola: Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Us: I don't know if I'd really say ironic. But it is impressive.

Kouvola: Nobody does it better.

Us: What do you have to say to any townsfolk who are weakening, and maybe don't think they can make it to Sunday?

Kouvola: Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I will be there. I'll help you carry on.

Us: What's the hardest part about this whole experience?

Kouvola: People try to put us down.

Us: Really? They tease you for doing this?

Kouvola: It's not unusual.

Us: Well, hopefully now that your voice has been heard, it will put a stop to that.

Kouvola: Only in my dreams.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Anybody Want Gmail Invites?

Hey! I have a bunch of Gmail invites left if anybody's interested!

I heard these are really hot right now! I'm going to sell some on eBay, but if you email me first, maybe we can work out a deal.

First come, first serve! Make a line, people.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: New World's Oldest Woman Edna Parker

On the heels of the death of Yone Minagawa in Japan earlier this week, Edna Parker of Shelbyville, Indiana has taken the honor of being the world's oldest living person. Born on April 20, 1893, Parker is 114 years old, just slightly younger than the previous Guinness entry.

Mildlyamusing.com sat down with the new record holder for one of our famous 10 second interviews, because, quite frankly, we thought we should make it quick.

Us: Edna, what do you credit as being the secret to your longevity?

Edna: Never being named the World's Oldest Woman. I looked up all the old record holders, and they've all died!

Some honor.

Labels:

Friday, August 10, 2007

Child Actors, Teen Stars Attempt Intervention For Fellow Celebrity

Worried that her career has veered dangerously off course, fellow celebrities have attempted an intervention for a former Wonder Years star who is publishing a book on math for teen girls.

Danica McKellar, known for playing Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years, recently penned the tome Why Math Doesn't Suck, a guide to help Junior High School age girls with math. She's also been making appearances designed to push more girls into the sciences.

"I don't know what she's thinking," says Paris Hilton. "Couldn't she write a tell-all expose of her prison stint like a normal person?"

Fellow celebrity Lindsey Lohan agreed. "What girl has time for math, when there's rehab to go to, nannies to chase, and paparazzi to pose for?"

Aging former celebrity Todd Bridges also had issues with her behavior. "She's actually been doing real acting jobs. Where was she at when we were filming Celebrity Boxing? I didn't see her in the ring. Guess she was too busy hiding, over there filming The West Wing."

"And her hair!" said Britney Spears. "Why does she have it?"

The most disturbing aspect of her antics, according to Nicole Richie, is that she now has a physics theorem named after her--the Chayes-McKellar-Winn Theorem. "Why can't she just have a successful father named after her like everybody else?"

An intervention with trashy dresses, alcohol, drugs, and weapons is planned as soon as everyone's rehab, prison, and cable reality show schedules will allow.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Internet Getting Bored Of Itself, Wants Vacation From Itself

In a public statement, the Internet has recently announced that it has become tired of itself and needs some time off from itself from a while.

"It's time I go out and try some new things," said the Internet. "I was scrolling along, checking out the street view feature on Google Maps, and I thought, 'This is so stupid. Why am I looking at virtual outside, when I could just go outside?'"

The Internet is also afraid that it's becoming increasingly pointless. "I was really excited when I was going to be involved in the big national Democratic debate. It was big chance, you know? Show how important I could be, how relevant. This was my chance to shine.

"I had nothing," said the Internet with a shrug. "I mean, really. When it comes right down to it, any five minutes of user-uploaded content on You Tube would make an original Sci-fi Channel movie look like Masterpiece Theatre.

"I've decided I really need to rethink my life."

The Internet says it will take a break not just from itself, but from computers in general. "Otherwise it won't really feel like a vacation, you know?"

The Internet added that if anyone wanted to get a hold of it, to just send it an email, and it'd have a look at it when he got back.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

NO REAL THAN YOU ARE

Photo: Reuters
Dear Giant Lego Man,
Your message we receive.
No real than you are. No real than we are.
Prepared we are for much your bidding.
Please you no harm us will.
Please you let children go.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Movie Studio Rushes Out Additional Bourne Movies

Hoping to cash in on the expected success of the new film, The Bourne Ultimatum, Universal Studios is rushing to release several additional movies featuring the protagonist Jason Bourne.

The Bourne Addendum will be released next Friday, August 10th. Following on August 17th will be the release of yet another Bourne film, The Bourne Another One Of 'Em.

Rumors have mid-September pegged for the release of the sixth Bourne film, The Bourne Ad Nauseam.

"We've got to get these things cranked out before Matt Damon gets old," said a Universal spokesman. "I mean, you've seen what's happening with Harrison Ford and that Indiana Jones mess they have over there, right? He's like, what, 80?"

Labels:

Apparently I Can Get Top Pills At Low Prices

Hey guys. I just got an email from a John Gxzzyxxi that says I can get top pills at low prices. Does anyone know anything about this? Which pills are these? Are they like Flintstones vitamins or Tylenol or what? And exactly how low are the prices? Anybody have any experience with this? Thanks!

P.S. If anyone needs some top pills, let me know, because it looks like I can get them cheaper than you can.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Headlines Of The Day

Here are some of today's headlines from around the globe:

Bonds hits 755th homer to tie Aaron
But already "whooped Aaron's keister" for most appearances before a Senate committee

Ford Recalls 3.6 Million Vehicles
"Yeah, we remember those," says spokesman

NBC Dateline Reporter Exposed, Ousted From Hacker Con
Outsider betrayed by her pleasant odor, and obviously having a life

Creator of Doom Announces Follow-up to be Called Rage
Next games to be titled Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance

Dairies Dump Milk After Finding Radiation in Nearby Drinking Water
Say catching up on production "Won't be a problem," thanks to new growth of extra teats

Labels:

Friday, August 03, 2007

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: UPS CEO Eskew

We apologize for having to cancel this week's ten second interview of the week.

We had invited Michael L. Eskew, CEO of UPS, to come on and discuss his company's big 100 year anniversary.

Unfortunately, he was unable to arrive on time.

Labels:

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Telegram From Hank

So I answer the door today, and would you believe there's a telegram service on the other side? I had no idea those things even still existed.

Turns out it's from our resident Technophile, Hank the Hacking Hick.

I thought I'd pass the contents along.

HEY ERIK STOP THOUGHT ID SEND YOU A TEXT MESSAGE STOP HOPE U R WELL STOP U R MEANS YOU ARE STOP IM NOT SAYING YOU DIDNT KNOW BUT I DIDNT KNOW SO I THOUGHT ID EXPLAIN STOP IM AND ID MEAN I AM AND I WOULD STOP NOT THAT I WOULD STOP BUT JUST I WOULD STOP I MEAN GOL DURN IT DONT READ STOP LIKE A WORD STOP THE STOP JUST MEANS THE SENTENCE IS OVER STOP ITS LIKE A PERIOD STOP SO I GUESS IF YOU WANTED TO DO A COLON YOUD HAVE TO SAY STOP TWICE STOP THIS IS CONFUSING STOP I DONT KNOW HOW ALL THE YOUNG FOLKS DO THIS ALL DAY STOP I WAS GOING TO GO ON BUT I THINK ID BETTER STOP STOP THAT LAST STOP WAS REAL STOP I GUESS IT WAS THE SECOND TO LAST ONE STOP DURN IT NOW ITS LIKE FOUR STOPS AGO STOP TTYL STOP PRETEND THIS IS A WINKING SMILIE CUZ I CANT USE PUNCTUATIONS TO MAKE ONE STOP


We are so grateful to have Hank as part of our team.