Saturday, September 29, 2007

New 24 Format Announced

Producers behind the no-longer-a-hit show 24 have finally unveiled their secret "new direction" for the show--they're going to go back to Jack's early years.

No, even earlier than that.

They're taking Jack back to kindergarten.

Following a difficult season which saw their ratings fall off by millions of viewers, producers had assured viewers that the show would see dramatic shake-ups in the next season.

However, none of the rumored changes made any sense.

First, the show had to scrap early plans for the new season for economic reasons, causing fans to worry about whether Fox would pony up the money necessary to get the show back on track.

Then, they announced the show would become more eco-friendly, which fans worried would cut down on the number of high carbon-footprint explosions, which were already becoming sparse.

Next, rumors started that CTU would be dropped from the show, which would be centered in Washington--a rumor that had to be bogus, because last year's Washington plot was easily the biggest reason for the exits.

Then, in an official press release, Fox stated they were bringing back Tony Almeida, a character who was very much dead two seasons ago.

All of this left the fans confused and scared. Was was true? What wasn't? What were the people at Fox doing?

In an effort to quell the fan worry, Fox has released the spine-tingling details of their plans for the new season, which has been retitled: 24: Li'l Jack and the CTU Crew.

All of the old cast members will be back, playing their five-year-old selves using financially fiscal and environment friendly motion capture technology. With all the sets and explosions generated in the computer, the show should be produced cleaner and more cheaply.

Returning cast members include Carlos Bernard, Reiko Aylesworth, and Dennis Haysbert as the precocious Davey Palmer.

All of them live together, Muppet-babies style, in a single home overseen by Jack's father.

"We've been setting up for this for years now," said show creator Joel Surnow. "Introducing Jack's father and his mean brother--you don't think we did all that just to kill them off the same season, did you? I mean, that wouldn't make any sense."

Although details on the plot are still pretty hush-hush, insiders tell us early episodes will feature Jack and the CTU crew trying to get back a stolen Legend of Zelda cartridge containing a saved game that starts just inside Gannon's castle.

"We also wanted to add a stronger female element to the show," said producer and director Jon Cassar. "Give little girls some strong role models of liberated women. So we're bringing back Teri, Nina, Audrey, Kate, and Marilyn, and every episode, they're going to fight over Jack. Boy, is the fur gonna fly!"


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Transcript of Marcel Marceau Funeral Service

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Cops Use Seized Steroids To Create Team of Super Cops

One day after announcing the largest steroid bust in history, law enforcement officials have announced their intention to use the seized materials for their benefit.

"We're glad we got this stuff," said a police spokesman. "Steroids are dangerous. They aren't the glamorous, magical muscle makers the media hype machine wants you to think they are. And now that we have them, we're going to make a super team of indestructible officers.

"It is also our intention to offer some of the chiseled, tough criminals we captured as part of the bust the chance to harness their power for good. We have offered the strongest of them full pardons if they will join our super team and shun their dark pasts.

"We will also begin recruiting super cops from the worlds of professional wrestling, football, and baseball, offering to overturn steroid convictions in exchange for faithful law enforcement service."

Law enforcement officials remain proud of the bust.

"Steroids are bad for you, kids. And if you try them, our team of super-strong mega-men will come after you and hurt you. And probably woo away your girlfriend."

Monday, September 17, 2007

"Real Killer" Found In Vegas Seeking OJ's DNA

The infamous "Real Killer" was spotted recently in Las Vegas, attempting to obtain samples of OJ Simpson's DNA on sports memorabilia that used to belong to OJ Simpson.

For years, OJ Simpson has been tenaciously following clues that led him through golf courses and Caribbean resorts, as he kept his pledge to never rest until the "Real Killer" was brought to justice.

However, this weekend the "Real Killer" got ahead of OJ, and attempted to pilfer the Juice's former property.

"The 'Real Killer' and his team of vile, rapscallion henchmen are obviously attempting to obtain DNA to use to frame me in another murder, which will likely be committed just as soon as these guys let me out of prison," said Simpson.

Sgt. John Loretto has said his team is preparing for the possibility that Simpson might try to flee. "We're accounting for every possibility," said Loretto. "We've stationed half our team at the Avis counter at the airport.

"In the eventuality of a freeway chase, the other half have been equipped with moderately fast jogging shoes."

Meanwhile, police are looking into who else might possibly be involved.

"We do have suspects," said Loretto. "And at the top of the list are humor sites desperate to recycle jokes they haven't used since the late 90's." could not be reached for comment.


Saturday, September 08, 2007

Employee Glad To Be Receptacle For Anger Of Hard Working Boss

In a world full of real heroes like policeman, firefighters, and soldiers, Betty Thomas knows her contributions won't change the world, but she knows she can make a difference in one life:

She can be a person her boss can chew out when he's mad.

"He just tries so hard, and this is the only chance he has to really let those feelings out," said Thomas. "I'm just really glad I can be there for him. Letting out a stream of expletives can be very therapeutic."

Although this aspect of the job was not originally explained to her, she's risen to the challenge and taken it on.

"I really respect him. I know he wouldn't be doing this to me if he had any other way of letting those feelings out. By bearing the brunt of his tirades, I'm sure that I'm freeing him up to go home and relax and get a fitful night's sleep, so he can come back tomorrow ready to lead us through another important day. By yelling."

When asked if she's ever doubted the importance of her function, Thomas laughs. "Oh, I'm sure what we do is very important. Otherwise, why would he get so worked up about it?"

Friday, September 07, 2007

Fred Thompson To Wage All-TV Campaign

After following the example of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger by announcing his candidacy for President on the Tonight Show, Fred Thompson now plans to conduct his entire campaign through TV appearances.

"It's worked for me so far," said Thompson. "And I can use it to get to every demographic. I can get on the big shows and get lots of attention in the big markets. I can even get to flyover country without having to get on a plane. It can't be too hard to get on Jerry Springer, right?"

An attorney, Thompson will start his circuit by appearing on Judge Judy, People's Court, Divorce Court, and Judge Joe Brown. In an effort to be seen as bringing people together, Thompson will argue for both parties simultaneously.

Eager to reach the fans of more serious fare, Thompson will make a guest appearance on 24, as a politician with the leadership, courage, and home-spun wisdom to actually listen to Jack Bauer.
He's not leaving out the reality show circuit. Besides prepping his singing voice for American Idol, and his toe-tapping skills to get on Dancing With The Stars, he has also been following a strict diet of ho-hos, fruit punch, and deep fried Twinkies in an effort to get on The Biggest Loser.

His campaign will continue with an appearance on TLC's Trading Spaces in which Thompson will swap redesign duties with former California Gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman. Coleman will reportedly introduce the campaign slogan, "Willis, here's someone who knows what he's talking about."

In an effort to show his international savvy, Thompson will also appear on G4's Japanese-produced program Ninja Warrior. "By showing I can keep my grip when faced with the 'Rolling Log,' I can show I can keep my grip when faced with the pressures of office," said Thompson.

Bad Robot Productions, has also announced that Thompson will become a recurring character on Lost, playing a man trying to gain control of the island through a campaign waged entirely through the closed circuit TV cameras in the island's various stations.