Monday, October 22, 2007

Taco Bell: Steal A Base, Steal A Taco

Taco Bell has announced it's new promotion: Steal a Base, Steal a Taco.

According to Yum! Brands, if a base is stolen during any game of the World Series, they will provide a free crunchy seasoned beef taco to every man, woman, and child in America.

This promotion has been met with a warmer reception than MLB's original promotion idea: Hit an HR, Free Hit of HGH.


Monday, October 15, 2007

Star Trek Prequel Casting News!

In an exciting announcement, Paramount Pictures and J.J. Abrams have announced a more fully expanded cast list for the new Star Trek movie, including who will be playing the role of Captain James T Kirk.

Although some are worried that the casting for the movie is skewed a little young, Abrams and Paramount remain confident this is the direction they want to go.

Among the announced cast:

SpockCount Chocula
Count Chocula as Mr. Spock.


Lucky as Mr. Scott.

And, of course, Captain Crunch as Captain Kirk.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Every Product In The World Recalled

The world has become a little safer today, as every product ever made has been recalled.

After an extensive study in which it was realized that pretty much everything could end up harming somebody, somehow, it has been decided that it all needs to go back.

The logistics of the mass recall has been difficult, as the recall also applies to all of the potentially lethal vehicles that would be used to transport all of the products.

Products also cannot even be packed, due to recalls on highly flammable cardboard boxes and other packing materials.

Also, problems have arisen because the recalls do not only affect products, but also the components of those products. How can you drive a recalled car back to the dealership without the recalled tires?

Consumers have had a difficult time getting answers to their questions, due to the recalls on telephones. The telephone recalls are due to the strangulation risks of the old corded phones, as well as the cancer-causing and brain scrambling risks of the cordless models and cell phones.

They've also been unable to go visit locations in person, due largely to embarrassment following the clothing recall. In addition to being flammable and a strangulation hazard, clothing has also been deemed lethal if the wrong style is seen in the wrong neighborhood.

The Federal Government has also begun plans for returning all the recalled weapons and military vehicles which have been deemed "too dangerous."

As the nation prepares to return to nomadic, naked lifestyles with an unarmed military, people everywhere are breathing sighs of relief at the increased safety this will bring to their lives.

"In the end, it's really all about the children, isn't it?" said one mother, as she and her family walked away from thier home for the last time.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Children's Group Hi-5 Says Song Doesn't Apply To Everyone

The children's music group Hi-5, whose show is featured on Discovery Kids, has issued the following statement regarding the song "Some Kind of Wonderful."

Recently, on our television program, we sang a song called "Some Kind Of Wonderful." This song included the following lyrics:

You are some kind of wonderful.
You're wonderful.
You are wonderful to me.
You are some kind of wonderful.
You're wonderful.
You are everything to me.

As a band, we are uncomfortable singing this in such a general way to the whole world without issuing the following caveats to let certain people know that this song does not apply to them.

Kimmie: This song does not apply to my ex-boyfriend Ronald Dawson, who left me and dropped out of college to play video games. It also does not apply to my neighbor, who shouldn't live in a house with such thin walls if she doesn't want to hear my music late at night.

Karla: This song does not apply to my agent, who I just found out is taking a bigger cut of my salary than anybody else on the show, or to the kid at our last live show who cried all the way through my big solo I do in pajamas holding a teddy bear.

Curtis: This song does not apply to my 7th grade English teacher, who did not let me turn in a paper late, or Stacy Waterson, who said no when I asked her to the prom, or Thomas "Ox" Johnson, who beat me up once or twice. A week. For three years.

Shaun: This song does not apply to any of the police officers who have ever given me speeding tickets, or to any of their families. Not even their kids. Unless their kids run away, right now, and find a new family.

Jenn: This song does not apply to any of the Wiggles. Or that rotten Captain Feathersword. Or Hannah Montana. Or anybody else who sells more live show tickets than us.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Attention, Patrons Of The Local Library

When you get around to it, please return all the books on procrastination.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Lifetime Blew It With America's Psychic Challenge

Okay, I can't really say I'm surprised (we 16th century prophets are never surprised), but I am disappointed.

Lifetime has decided to move some of its Golden Girls re-runs around to make room for a show called America's Psychic Challenge, and put 16 would-be soothsayers to the test.

And, much to the American Viewing Public's chagrin, not one of those seers is, well, me.

And that's a real shame. Because as regular readers of this site know, I have predicted everything from sports scores to book and TV finales to Britney Spears' shaved head with accuracy that makes Professionally Trained and Highly Qualified TV Weather Girls nearly burst their tube tops with jealousy.

As retribution for this oversight, I am forced to use my powers to foresee the ending of Lifetime's hit show, thus spoiling the need for anyone to actually watch it without me in it:

Dorothy marries Blanche's Uncle Lucas and moves to Hollingsworth Manor, leaving Sophia and the other girls alone.

Take that, Lifetime!


Thursday, October 04, 2007

Snickers Song Snafus Spoil Satisfaction

Americans all over America have been suffering from less enjoyment of their Snickers candy bars, due largely to an inability to remember the lyrics to the "Song of Satisfaction" featured in Snickers commercials.

"Chocolate rainbows fall over chocolate colored somethings . . ." sings Tom Wilson of Parkerville, OH, as he takes a bite. "No, that's not it either."

The catchy song, which first debuted during a Super Bowl spot, has fallen out of rotation on most stations lately, as Snickers has turned to it's new "Feast" ad campaigns, leaving munchers with considerably less enjoyment.

In a desperate effort to recreate the feelings aroused by the perfect combination of music and mouth feel, people have turned to a variety of methods. One vending machine in Peoria, IL hooked up a 15,000 watt electric guitar to accompany people who wanted to sing to each other while enjoying the snack treats. However, after a few feeble attempts to recreate the magic, the instrument has gone largely unused, except for, as one employee put it, "A guy on the fourth floor who knows the chords to a couple of Blink 182 songs."

In the meantime, Tom goes into his finale as he finishes the bar.

". . . prancing nougat and marshmallow brings a song of satisfaction to the wooooorld.

"Nope. Still nothing."