Monday, January 28, 2008

Rudy Giuliani Asks For Time Out, Because "Not Ready"

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was seen frantically running around Florida the past few hours making a "T" shape with his hands and begging anyone he met to please, please, give him a time out because he, "Isn't ready."

Guiliani has been scoring low in the early primaries, and currently has won fewer delegates than candidates who are no longer in the race, like Fred Thompson and Barry Goldwater.

He has been assuring voters this was no big deal, due to the large show of support he would receive from Florida voters. However, his support has been minimal at campaign events in the state, and poll numbers continue to show him woefully behind.

When asked about what caused Rudy to fall behind, one Giuliani insider confided, "His entire campaign preparation strategy has revolved around trying to find a way to tie every single word in the dictionary back to 9/11. Now it's just a few hours before the Florida vote, and he's still only partway through the X's."

Officials have not yet announced whether they would honor the time-honored playground tradition for the former Mayor--as of press time, they were still too busy making a ruling in the following Romney / McCain exchange:

"You're the liar! You said I wanted amnesty for illegals!"
"No, you're the liar! You said I wanted a timetable for troop withdrawal!"
"Nuh-uh, you are!"
"You are times ten!"
"You are times infinity!"
"You are times infinity plus ten!"

Officials have yet to determine whether infinity plus ten actually has a greater value than infinity, or if it is, instead, equal to infinity.

A committee of fifth graders is being consulted on the matter.


Sunday, January 27, 2008

Alternate Titles For New James Bond Movie

The new James Bond movie, which was to be called Quantum of Solace, needs a new title.

After failing to win good fan reaction to their new electronic title generator's first title, MGM has spun the wheel a few more times and come up with the following alternate titles for the new Bond flick:

  • Egret of Obliteration
  • Argumentum of the Ad hominem
  • Abscess of the Left Hemithyroid
  • Positron of the Vanities
  • The Phantom Menace


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Happy National Pie Day!

Hey look! According to the American Pie Council, today is National Pie Day! I wonder what that crazy "I hate pie" guy thinks about that! Ha!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Crazy Pie Guy

Wow, check it out! This dude is crazy! He really hates pie! What a kook!

It looks like he's been hating pie for a few years now. I wonder what pie ever did to him.

I hate people who hate pie!

Correction (Last One I Promise!)

Hi guys. I've got one more correction on my Super Bowl prediction. I previously predicted the following final score for the upcoming Super Bowl:

Patriots 42, Cowboys 17

This was a misprint. My prediction should have read:

Patriots 42, Other Team 17

Man, I've gotta get a tell-checker. (That's like a spell-checker, except it checks things when you're telling the future. Get it?)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Other Team fans!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Iowa, New Hampshire Residents Facing Abandonment Issues

"They were always there for me, you know? And now they're just . . . gone."

Missy Brendleson of Iowa remembers the last few weeks fondly. "There was always a politician around when you needed one. I had a couple of staffers doing laundry while a candidate cleaned my fireplace. He was a Republican, I think."

"I haven't had to carry my own groceries in for weeks," said Tricia Watkins of New Hampshire.

But all of that came to an abrupt end following the elections in the two states, when the candidates headed on for other pastures.

Tricia hasn't done her dishes since the campaign ended. "I thought Dennis Kucinich was going to do them."

Harold Wilkers is in the same situation. "Ron Paul and I were going to do the brakes on my car. A couple of his staffers washed it real good, but I still need my brakes done, you know?"


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Another Correction

Yesterday I made the following prediction:

President: Huckabee

This was a typographical error. My prediction should have read as follows:

President: McCain

Sorry 'bout that.

Monday, January 07, 2008


In my previous post, I made the following predictions:

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 42, Ohio State 17

Super Bowl: Patriots 38, Cowboys 24

But I inadvertently switched the scores of the two games. My predictions should have read as follows:

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 38, Ohio State 24

Super Bowl: Patriots 42, Cowboys 17

So, as I do every year, I nailed the BCS Championship final score exactly.

Yes, I am awesome.

2008 Predictions

Hey guys, Nostradamus here. I'm late with my '08 predictions--especially since the BCS National Championship Game has already kicked off. So let's get to it.

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 42, Ohio State 17. And yes, I'm sticking with that even though the score as I write this is Ohio State 10, LSU 0 with 9:12 to play in the first quarter. Trust me on this one people.

Super Bowl: Patriots 38, Cowboys 24

NBA: Celtics

NHL: Red Wings

MLB: Red Sox

President: Huckabee

VP: Giuliani

Drunk: Britney

High: Britney

Dumb: Jessica Simpson

Cute: Jessica Simpson

Unsurpassed in both intellect and beauty: Jennifer Aniston

Cloverfield: It's people! People!!!

Can I be done now?

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Two Tourists Place Strong In Iowa Caucus

In results that were very split over one of the broadest fields of candidates since the 70's, two tourists managed to catch enough state-wide attention to place strong in the Democrat and Republican polls for the state's nominees for President of the United States.

Harold and Wanda Anderson of Clatterford, NJ were traveling through the state by Winnebago when they were mistaken for candidates and bombarded with questions.

Harold, a retired bus driver, placed well with Republicans for his no-nonsense approach on financial issues. Wanda's sympathetic ear went over well with the Democrats.

"I think they were lost," said Bob Watkins, who voted for Mrs. Anderson. "They just seemed so nice, but they just kept wandering around. And around. And around."