Tuesday, March 17, 2009

AIG Pays $1.3 Billion Bonus to Joaquin Phoenix

Insurance giant AIG today paid a $1.3 billion dollar bonus to actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix, raising the ire of government officials and taxpayers nationwide.

Despite having received $170 billion in taxpayer-funded bailout money, AIG says it has no choice but to make good on its promise of a bonus payout to Phoenix.

A company spokesman said Phoenix was due to receive the bonus despite AIG's dismal performance and staggering losses totaling $61 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.

"AIG has a previous contractual obligation to pay this bonus for rhyme-and-beat services rendered," said the spokesman. He added that the company will likely have to pay out billions more to settle agreements involving complex financial instruments known as "hip hop default swaps."

AIG's spokesman also reiterated that despite the company's poor finanical footing, Phoenix's tunes are solid.

"We understand there may be some disagreement on the subject of bonuses in this economic climate," said the spokesman. "But it's important to remember that this particular payout was approved by upper management long before AIG received any assistance from the federal government.

"The company had already deemed Mr. Phoenix to have mad rapping skillz, yo."