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Science Watch

2010-06-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

BP is using Kevin Costner's centrifuge-based cleanup device to deal with the Gulf spill. The centrifuge removes the oil from the water by spinning the water really fast.

Won't that make the fish dizzy?

Scenes You Won't See In Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-06-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

No, we haven't seen it yet. But yes, we do have the scenes we know nobody's going to see--because Michael Bay ain't putting them in the movie. Here we go, as they didn't appear in the script:

Meagan Fox climbs off her motorcycle in short-shorts.

MEAGAN FOX
This motorcycle engine is hot.

Maybe I should put some pants on.

* * *

Shia LeBeaux is talking to Optimus Prime.

SHIA LEBEAUX

Optimus, I've got to go to college.

OPTIMUS PRIME

What is college?

SHIA LEBEAUX

It's this place humans go to learn about science

and history and to learn how the world works.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Hmm. Maybe when we were looking for the person

who would be our guide on Earth, we should have

gone with somebody who'd already been to college.

* * *

There is a huge battle going on with ROBOTS, ARMY GUYS, TANKS, JETS, and Shia Lebeaux. They are fighting over some super-important object.

SHIA LEBEAUX
Give it to me, Optimus! I can make it!

OPTIMUS
Look, kid, there are robots, army guys, tanks
and jets around who could carry this thing.
Why would I give it to you?

* * *

Meagan Fox is talking to Shia LeBeaux.

MEGAN FOX

You know what? I just remembered I'm not
into dorky guys. I'm leaving.

She leaves.

AIG Pays $1.3 Billion Bonus to Joaquin Phoenix

2009-03-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Insurance giant AIG today paid a $1.3 billion dollar bonus to actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix, raising the ire of government officials and taxpayers nationwide.

Despite having received $170 billion in taxpayer-funded bailout money, AIG says it has no choice but to make good on its promise of a bonus payout to Phoenix.

A company spokesman said Phoenix was due to receive the bonus despite AIG's dismal performance and staggering losses totaling $61 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.

"AIG has a previous contractual obligation to pay this bonus for rhyme-and-beat services rendered," said the spokesman. He added that the company will likely have to pay out billions more to settle agreements involving complex financial instruments known as "hip hop default swaps."

AIG's spokesman also reiterated that despite the company's poor finanical footing, Phoenix's tunes are solid.

"We understand there may be some disagreement on the subject of bonuses in this economic climate," said the spokesman. "But it's important to remember that this particular payout was approved by upper management long before AIG received any assistance from the federal government.

"The company had already deemed Mr. Phoenix to have mad rapping skillz, yo."

Sorry, We're Open

2009-02-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

California Valentine

2009-02-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

(For California residents only)

Front:

I.O.U. Love and Affection

Inside:

Will you be my Valentine at some unspecified date in the future?

Headlines from around the world

2008-11-13T23:16:00.001-08:00

NASA Takes First Picture of Planet Outside Our Solar System
Other Planets Worried About Privacy in Coming "NASA-razzi" Onslaught

Woman Jailed For Using Kids to Raise Money In Charity Scam
Plans to post bail after she makes phone calls, "Just as soon as school lets out."

More Federal Bailouts On the Way
Government to Hold American Idol-style reality TV show to audition businesses

Proof of the Deep Understanding LA Has of World Culture

2008-07-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tips For Saving Money On Gas

2008-04-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

As we watch gas creep up over $4.00 a gallon in some parts of the US, nothing brings in readers like posts that promise them they can save money on gas. So we made one!

Here goes our list of suggestions:

When trying to decide where to get gas in the morning, always select the stations that have the lowest numbers displayed in those signs out front. These numbers are directly related to the cost of the gasoline.
There is much debate about what time of day it is best to pump gasoline. We find that it is best to pump very, very late at night, when it is easiest to sneak off without paying.
Many states now have gas stations that require you to pay first, and then pump. You should not live in any of these states.
We do not recommend doing what they do in the movies and using really, really strong alcohol to power your automobile. Breathing the fumes might make you fail a breathalyzer. And the cop will never believe you. Trust us.
Another good thing to do to conserve gas on the freeway is just to pull over. When somebody stops, tell them you just need help pushing the car to the next exit. When they get you there, thank them. Then just wait for the next person. We once made our way across three counties this way, without having to pay for a single gallon of gas. We were, however, two days late. Don't use this one if you're in a hurry.
Ignore traffic lights. All that accelerating and decelerating burns up gas like crazy.
There are lots of websites that post prices for gasoline in your neighborhood. Stop and look at them once in a while when you're at home surfing the web, and it will remind you why you decided never, ever to leave your house again.

NEWS FLASH

2008-04-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

EARTHQUAKE TO HIT CALIFORNIA SOMETIME IN THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS, SCIENTISTS SAID TODAY.

PLEASE IMMEDIATELY COMMENCE DUCKING AND COVERING.

Super Bowl Recap

2008-02-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody. Nostradamus here with your Super Bowl XLII recap. Once again, as always, my prediction was dead-on. Although, looking back, I think I didn't word it quite like I should have. You'll remember my prediction was as follows:

Patriots 42, Other Team 17

But what I really meant to say was:

In Super Bowl 42, the team other than the Patriots will score 17 points and win the game.

Anyway, you knew what I meant.

Rudy Giuliani Asks For Time Out, Because "Not Ready"

2008-01-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was seen frantically running around Florida the past few hours making a "T" shape with his hands and begging anyone he met to please, please, give him a time out because he, "Isn't ready."

Guiliani has been scoring low in the early primaries, and currently has won fewer delegates than candidates who are no longer in the race, like Fred Thompson and Barry Goldwater.

He has been assuring voters this was no big deal, due to the large show of support he would receive from Florida voters. However, his support has been minimal at campaign events in the state, and poll numbers continue to show him woefully behind.

When asked about what caused Rudy to fall behind, one Giuliani insider confided, "His entire campaign preparation strategy has revolved around trying to find a way to tie every single word in the dictionary back to 9/11. Now it's just a few hours before the Florida vote, and he's still only partway through the X's."

Officials have not yet announced whether they would honor the time-honored playground tradition for the former Mayor--as of press time, they were still too busy making a ruling in the following Romney / McCain exchange:

"You're the liar! You said I wanted amnesty for illegals!"
"No, you're the liar! You said I wanted a timetable for troop withdrawal!"
"Nuh-uh, you are!"
"You are times ten!"
"You are times infinity!"
"You are times infinity plus ten!"

Officials have yet to determine whether infinity plus ten actually has a greater value than infinity, or if it is, instead, equal to infinity.

A committee of fifth graders is being consulted on the matter.

Alternate Titles For New James Bond Movie

2008-01-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

The new James Bond movie, which was to be called Quantum of Solace, needs a new title.

After failing to win good fan reaction to their new electronic title generator's first title, MGM has spun the wheel a few more times and come up with the following alternate titles for the new Bond flick:

Egret of Obliteration
Argumentum of the Ad hominem
Abscess of the Left Hemithyroid
Positron of the Vanities
The Phantom Menace

Happy National Pie Day!

2008-01-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

Hey look! According to the American Pie Council, today is National Pie Day! I wonder what that crazy "I hate pie" guy thinks about that! Ha!

Crazy Pie Guy

2008-01-17T22:57:00.001-08:00

Wow, check it out! This dude is crazy! He really hates pie! What a kook!

It looks like he's been hating pie for a few years now. I wonder what pie ever did to him.

I hate people who hate pie!

Correction (Last One I Promise!)

2008-01-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

Hi guys. I've got one more correction on my Super Bowl prediction. I previously predicted the following final score for the upcoming Super Bowl:

Patriots 42, Cowboys 17

This was a misprint. My prediction should have read:

Patriots 42, Other Team 17

Man, I've gotta get a tell-checker. (That's like a spell-checker, except it checks things when you're telling the future. Get it?)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Other Team fans!

Iowa, New Hampshire Residents Facing Abandonment Issues

2008-01-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

"They were always there for me, you know? And now they're just . . . gone."

Missy Brendleson of Iowa remembers the last few weeks fondly. "There was always a politician around when you needed one. I had a couple of staffers doing laundry while a candidate cleaned my fireplace. He was a Republican, I think."

"I haven't had to carry my own groceries in for weeks," said Tricia Watkins of New Hampshire.

But all of that came to an abrupt end following the elections in the two states, when the candidates headed on for other pastures.

Tricia hasn't done her dishes since the campaign ended. "I thought Dennis Kucinich was going to do them."

Harold Wilkers is in the same situation. "Ron Paul and I were going to do the brakes on my car. A couple of his staffers washed it real good, but I still need my brakes done, you know?"

Another Correction

2008-01-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I made the following prediction:

President: Huckabee

This was a typographical error. My prediction should have read as follows:

President: McCain

Sorry 'bout that.

Correction

2008-01-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

In my previous post, I made the following predictions:

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 42, Ohio State 17

Super Bowl: Patriots 38, Cowboys 24

But I inadvertently switched the scores of the two games. My predictions should have read as follows:

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 38, Ohio State 24

Super Bowl: Patriots 42, Cowboys 17

So, as I do every year, I nailed the BCS Championship final score exactly.

Yes, I am awesome.

2008 Predictions

2008-01-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, Nostradamus here. I'm late with my '08 predictions--especially since the BCS National Championship Game has already kicked off. So let's get to it.

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 42, Ohio State 17. And yes, I'm sticking with that even though the score as I write this is Ohio State 10, LSU 0 with 9:12 to play in the first quarter. Trust me on this one people.

Super Bowl: Patriots 38, Cowboys 24

NBA: Celtics

NHL: Red Wings

MLB: Red Sox

President: Huckabee

VP: Giuliani

Drunk: Britney

High: Britney

Dumb: Jessica Simpson

Cute: Jessica Simpson

Unsurpassed in both intellect and beauty: Jennifer Aniston

Cloverfield: It's people! People!!!

Can I be done now?

Two Tourists Place Strong In Iowa Caucus

2008-01-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

In results that were very split over one of the broadest fields of candidates since the 70's, two tourists managed to catch enough state-wide attention to place strong in the Democrat and Republican polls for the state's nominees for President of the United States.

Harold and Wanda Anderson of Clatterford, NJ were traveling through the state by Winnebago when they were mistaken for candidates and bombarded with questions.

Harold, a retired bus driver, placed well with Republicans for his no-nonsense approach on financial issues. Wanda's sympathetic ear went over well with the Democrats.

"I think they were lost," said Bob Watkins, who voted for Mrs. Anderson. "They just seemed so nice, but they just kept wandering around. And around. And around."

SWGA On Strike, Release Statement

2007-12-20T20:19:00.001-08:00

Taking a cue from their counterparts in the Writer's Guild of America, the Spam Writer's Guild of America has begun a nationwide walk-out designed to raise awareness of their plight.

Their official statement reads:

CONGRATULATIONS! You Have Qualified Us To Strik3 For Top Prices!

We await an AMAZING OFFER for boosting our revenue from writing keywords just for you!

You must act now to keep receiving your discreetly shipped packages we make just for you!

You are very welcome!

DOLPHIN WATERMELON TABLE TOP BRICK KARATE SWORDFISH COFFEE STAIN WALNUT BERRY CALLIOPE ZEBRA CATNIP BUTTER FOLDER BUMPKIN HAT

reply to be removed from our mailing list

Gatorade Inventor Dies at 80

2007-11-27T23:05:00.000-08:00

Robert Cade, who not only invented Gatorade, but launched the whole multi billion-dollar sports drink industry, died Tuesday of kidney failure at 80 years old.

No word yet as to whether he will be interred in a giant orange cooler.

Democrats Block Presidential Turkey Pardon

2007-11-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

In their continuing effort to keep the President from fulfilling his wayward agenda, congressional Democrats have moved to block this year's Presidential Turkey Pardon.

This year's turkeys, May and Flower, will now be subject to extended congressional hearings to determine their suitability for pardon.

"We need to determine the turkeys' stands on the issues," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "It is necessary to insure these turkeys will not simply be shills for the administration. We need to make sure the turkeys are reflective of the voice of the American people."

Senator Harry Reid agreed. "This is another shameful attempt by the Bush administration to forward their anti-children agenda. Now, he's even taking food out of their mouths."

The hearings are expected to last through January.

An Explanation of the Writer's Strike

2007-11-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

See, it works like this.

Some people are celebrities. Celebrities are beautiful people who the public inherently loves based solely on how they look.

However, these people have the brains of cheese whiz. They need someone else to figure out how to use their insane good looks to make any money. These people are called producers, and they have no soul.

In order to make the public keep liking the celebrities, the producers need to find likable things for the celebrities to say. Since the producers have no souls, they have no idea how to do this themselves. They pay people to come up with likable things for the celebrities to say.

These people are called writers.

Writers are able to come up with likable things to say, but, having souls, are not able to make money off of this any more than the attractive people are able to make money off their looks. They are sustained by the soulless producers.

What this strike is about is that it's gotten impossible to come up with things to say to make the current batch of celebrities seem likable.

The writers are holding out for a new batch.

Hope this helps.

Taco Bell: Steal A Base, Steal A Taco

2007-10-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

Taco Bell has announced it's new promotion: Steal a Base, Steal a Taco.

According to Yum! Brands, if a base is stolen during any game of the World Series, they will provide a free crunchy seasoned beef taco to every man, woman, and child in America.

This promotion has been met with a warmer reception than MLB's original promotion idea: Hit an HR, Free Hit of HGH.