mildlyamusing.com

U.S. Government Will Work For Food

2011-07-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS

WASHINGTON--Democratic and Republican leaders crossed the aisle late Saturday night to come together on a last-minute debt-limit deal that will avert an unprecedented and potentially catastrophic U.S. default.

A beaming House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced the news to a relieved nation during a hastily arranged joint news conference with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on the steps outside the Senate.

"Senator Reid and I are very pleased to announced that the partisan rhetoric and political machinations end tonight," said Boehner.

"The United States government will not default on its debt, now or ever. My fellow Americans, the United States government will work for food."

With that, Boehner pulled out from behind his podium a ragged, hand-cut cardboard sign with the words "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" written in black marker. Boehner and Reid held opposite ends of the sign and raised it triumphantly above their heads as flash bulbs popped around them.

A short way down the sidewalk, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) played an unrecognizable blues tune on an acoustic guitar while passersby dropped coins into the open case next to him.

President Obama released a brief statement which read: "I'm thrilled, as all Americans are, that the House and Senate have come together and reached this agreement in just the nick of time to avert possible economic disaster. I fully support the agreement and Michelle and I have a few chores around here at the White House that Speaker Boehner and Senator Reid are welcome to help us with."

DEVELOPING...

My Future (and Shirt)'s So Bright...

2011-07-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

Obligatory Post of the Year

2011-06-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

What has no thumbs and is full of birds?

The sky!

Mildlyamusing.com Classic! Tips for Saving Money on Gas

2011-05-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

As gas prices rise back over $4.00 a gallon, we thought we'd link back to this gem from way, way back in 2008 and give you some Tips for Saving Money On Gas.

This will make it way easier to find than having to dig through the six posts we've made since then.

Science Watch

2010-06-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

BP is using Kevin Costner's centrifuge-based cleanup device to deal with the Gulf spill. The centrifuge removes the oil from the water by spinning the water really fast.

Won't that make the fish dizzy?

Scenes You Won't See In Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-06-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

No, we haven't seen it yet. But yes, we do have the scenes we know nobody's going to see--because Michael Bay ain't putting them in the movie. Here we go, as they didn't appear in the script:

Meagan Fox climbs off her motorcycle in short-shorts.

MEAGAN FOX
This motorcycle engine is hot.

Maybe I should put some pants on.

* * *

Shia LeBeaux is talking to Optimus Prime.

SHIA LEBEAUX

Optimus, I've got to go to college.

OPTIMUS PRIME

What is college?

SHIA LEBEAUX

It's this place humans go to learn about science

and history and to learn how the world works.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Hmm. Maybe when we were looking for the person

who would be our guide on Earth, we should have

gone with somebody who'd already been to college.

* * *

There is a huge battle going on with ROBOTS, ARMY GUYS, TANKS, JETS, and Shia Lebeaux. They are fighting over some super-important object.

SHIA LEBEAUX
Give it to me, Optimus! I can make it!

OPTIMUS
Look, kid, there are robots, army guys, tanks
and jets around who could carry this thing.
Why would I give it to you?

* * *

Meagan Fox is talking to Shia LeBeaux.

MEGAN FOX

You know what? I just remembered I'm not
into dorky guys. I'm leaving.

She leaves.

AIG Pays $1.3 Billion Bonus to Joaquin Phoenix

2009-03-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Insurance giant AIG today paid a $1.3 billion dollar bonus to actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix, raising the ire of government officials and taxpayers nationwide.

Despite having received $170 billion in taxpayer-funded bailout money, AIG says it has no choice but to make good on its promise of a bonus payout to Phoenix.

A company spokesman said Phoenix was due to receive the bonus despite AIG's dismal performance and staggering losses totaling $61 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.

"AIG has a previous contractual obligation to pay this bonus for rhyme-and-beat services rendered," said the spokesman. He added that the company will likely have to pay out billions more to settle agreements involving complex financial instruments known as "hip hop default swaps."

AIG's spokesman also reiterated that despite the company's poor finanical footing, Phoenix's tunes are solid.

"We understand there may be some disagreement on the subject of bonuses in this economic climate," said the spokesman. "But it's important to remember that this particular payout was approved by upper management long before AIG received any assistance from the federal government.

"The company had already deemed Mr. Phoenix to have mad rapping skillz, yo."

Sorry, We're Open

2009-02-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

California Valentine

2009-02-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

(For California residents only)

Front:

I.O.U. Love and Affection

Inside:

Will you be my Valentine at some unspecified date in the future?

Headlines from around the world

2008-11-13T23:16:00.001-08:00

NASA Takes First Picture of Planet Outside Our Solar System
Other Planets Worried About Privacy in Coming "NASA-razzi" Onslaught

Woman Jailed For Using Kids to Raise Money In Charity Scam
Plans to post bail after she makes phone calls, "Just as soon as school lets out."

More Federal Bailouts On the Way
Government to Hold American Idol-style reality TV show to audition businesses

Proof of the Deep Understanding LA Has of World Culture

2008-07-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tips For Saving Money On Gas

2008-04-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

As we watch gas creep up over $4.00 a gallon in some parts of the US, nothing brings in readers like posts that promise them they can save money on gas. So we made one!

Here goes our list of suggestions:

When trying to decide where to get gas in the morning, always select the stations that have the lowest numbers displayed in those signs out front. These numbers are directly related to the cost of the gasoline.
There is much debate about what time of day it is best to pump gasoline. We find that it is best to pump very, very late at night, when it is easiest to sneak off without paying.
Many states now have gas stations that require you to pay first, and then pump. You should not live in any of these states.
We do not recommend doing what they do in the movies and using really, really strong alcohol to power your automobile. Breathing the fumes might make you fail a breathalyzer. And the cop will never believe you. Trust us.
Another good thing to do to conserve gas on the freeway is just to pull over. When somebody stops, tell them you just need help pushing the car to the next exit. When they get you there, thank them. Then just wait for the next person. We once made our way across three counties this way, without having to pay for a single gallon of gas. We were, however, two days late. Don't use this one if you're in a hurry.
Ignore traffic lights. All that accelerating and decelerating burns up gas like crazy.
There are lots of websites that post prices for gasoline in your neighborhood. Stop and look at them once in a while when you're at home surfing the web, and it will remind you why you decided never, ever to leave your house again.

NEWS FLASH

2008-04-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

EARTHQUAKE TO HIT CALIFORNIA SOMETIME IN THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS, SCIENTISTS SAID TODAY.

PLEASE IMMEDIATELY COMMENCE DUCKING AND COVERING.

Super Bowl Recap

2008-02-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody. Nostradamus here with your Super Bowl XLII recap. Once again, as always, my prediction was dead-on. Although, looking back, I think I didn't word it quite like I should have. You'll remember my prediction was as follows:

Patriots 42, Other Team 17

But what I really meant to say was:

In Super Bowl 42, the team other than the Patriots will score 17 points and win the game.

Anyway, you knew what I meant.

Rudy Giuliani Asks For Time Out, Because "Not Ready"

2008-01-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was seen frantically running around Florida the past few hours making a "T" shape with his hands and begging anyone he met to please, please, give him a time out because he, "Isn't ready."

Guiliani has been scoring low in the early primaries, and currently has won fewer delegates than candidates who are no longer in the race, like Fred Thompson and Barry Goldwater.

He has been assuring voters this was no big deal, due to the large show of support he would receive from Florida voters. However, his support has been minimal at campaign events in the state, and poll numbers continue to show him woefully behind.

When asked about what caused Rudy to fall behind, one Giuliani insider confided, "His entire campaign preparation strategy has revolved around trying to find a way to tie every single word in the dictionary back to 9/11. Now it's just a few hours before the Florida vote, and he's still only partway through the X's."

Officials have not yet announced whether they would honor the time-honored playground tradition for the former Mayor--as of press time, they were still too busy making a ruling in the following Romney / McCain exchange:

"You're the liar! You said I wanted amnesty for illegals!"
"No, you're the liar! You said I wanted a timetable for troop withdrawal!"
"Nuh-uh, you are!"
"You are times ten!"
"You are times infinity!"
"You are times infinity plus ten!"

Officials have yet to determine whether infinity plus ten actually has a greater value than infinity, or if it is, instead, equal to infinity.

A committee of fifth graders is being consulted on the matter.

Alternate Titles For New James Bond Movie

2008-01-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

The new James Bond movie, which was to be called Quantum of Solace, needs a new title.

After failing to win good fan reaction to their new electronic title generator's first title, MGM has spun the wheel a few more times and come up with the following alternate titles for the new Bond flick:

Egret of Obliteration
Argumentum of the Ad hominem
Abscess of the Left Hemithyroid
Positron of the Vanities
The Phantom Menace

Happy National Pie Day!

2008-01-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

Hey look! According to the American Pie Council, today is National Pie Day! I wonder what that crazy "I hate pie" guy thinks about that! Ha!

Crazy Pie Guy

2008-01-17T22:57:00.001-08:00

Wow, check it out! This dude is crazy! He really hates pie! What a kook!

It looks like he's been hating pie for a few years now. I wonder what pie ever did to him.

I hate people who hate pie!

Correction (Last One I Promise!)

2008-01-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

Hi guys. I've got one more correction on my Super Bowl prediction. I previously predicted the following final score for the upcoming Super Bowl:

Patriots 42, Cowboys 17

This was a misprint. My prediction should have read:

Patriots 42, Other Team 17

Man, I've gotta get a tell-checker. (That's like a spell-checker, except it checks things when you're telling the future. Get it?)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Other Team fans!

Iowa, New Hampshire Residents Facing Abandonment Issues

2008-01-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

"They were always there for me, you know? And now they're just . . . gone."

Missy Brendleson of Iowa remembers the last few weeks fondly. "There was always a politician around when you needed one. I had a couple of staffers doing laundry while a candidate cleaned my fireplace. He was a Republican, I think."

"I haven't had to carry my own groceries in for weeks," said Tricia Watkins of New Hampshire.

But all of that came to an abrupt end following the elections in the two states, when the candidates headed on for other pastures.

Tricia hasn't done her dishes since the campaign ended. "I thought Dennis Kucinich was going to do them."

Harold Wilkers is in the same situation. "Ron Paul and I were going to do the brakes on my car. A couple of his staffers washed it real good, but I still need my brakes done, you know?"

Another Correction

2008-01-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I made the following prediction:

President: Huckabee

This was a typographical error. My prediction should have read as follows:

President: McCain

Sorry 'bout that.

Correction

2008-01-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

In my previous post, I made the following predictions:

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 42, Ohio State 17

Super Bowl: Patriots 38, Cowboys 24

But I inadvertently switched the scores of the two games. My predictions should have read as follows:

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 38, Ohio State 24

Super Bowl: Patriots 42, Cowboys 17

So, as I do every year, I nailed the BCS Championship final score exactly.

Yes, I am awesome.

2008 Predictions

2008-01-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, Nostradamus here. I'm late with my '08 predictions--especially since the BCS National Championship Game has already kicked off. So let's get to it.

BCS National Championship Game: LSU 42, Ohio State 17. And yes, I'm sticking with that even though the score as I write this is Ohio State 10, LSU 0 with 9:12 to play in the first quarter. Trust me on this one people.

Super Bowl: Patriots 38, Cowboys 24

NBA: Celtics

NHL: Red Wings

MLB: Red Sox

President: Huckabee

VP: Giuliani

Drunk: Britney

High: Britney

Dumb: Jessica Simpson

Cute: Jessica Simpson

Unsurpassed in both intellect and beauty: Jennifer Aniston

Cloverfield: It's people! People!!!

Can I be done now?

Two Tourists Place Strong In Iowa Caucus

2008-01-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

In results that were very split over one of the broadest fields of candidates since the 70's, two tourists managed to catch enough state-wide attention to place strong in the Democrat and Republican polls for the state's nominees for President of the United States.

Harold and Wanda Anderson of Clatterford, NJ were traveling through the state by Winnebago when they were mistaken for candidates and bombarded with questions.

Harold, a retired bus driver, placed well with Republicans for his no-nonsense approach on financial issues. Wanda's sympathetic ear went over well with the Democrats.

"I think they were lost," said Bob Watkins, who voted for Mrs. Anderson. "They just seemed so nice, but they just kept wandering around. And around. And around."

SWGA On Strike, Release Statement

2007-12-20T20:19:00.001-08:00

Taking a cue from their counterparts in the Writer's Guild of America, the Spam Writer's Guild of America has begun a nationwide walk-out designed to raise awareness of their plight.

Their official statement reads:

CONGRATULATIONS! You Have Qualified Us To Strik3 For Top Prices!

We await an AMAZING OFFER for boosting our revenue from writing keywords just for you!

You must act now to keep receiving your discreetly shipped packages we make just for you!

You are very welcome!

DOLPHIN WATERMELON TABLE TOP BRICK KARATE SWORDFISH COFFEE STAIN WALNUT BERRY CALLIOPE ZEBRA CATNIP BUTTER FOLDER BUMPKIN HAT

reply to be removed from our mailing list

Gatorade Inventor Dies at 80

2007-11-27T23:05:00.000-08:00

Robert Cade, who not only invented Gatorade, but launched the whole multi billion-dollar sports drink industry, died Tuesday of kidney failure at 80 years old.

No word yet as to whether he will be interred in a giant orange cooler.

Democrats Block Presidential Turkey Pardon

2007-11-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

In their continuing effort to keep the President from fulfilling his wayward agenda, congressional Democrats have moved to block this year's Presidential Turkey Pardon.

This year's turkeys, May and Flower, will now be subject to extended congressional hearings to determine their suitability for pardon.

"We need to determine the turkeys' stands on the issues," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "It is necessary to insure these turkeys will not simply be shills for the administration. We need to make sure the turkeys are reflective of the voice of the American people."

Senator Harry Reid agreed. "This is another shameful attempt by the Bush administration to forward their anti-children agenda. Now, he's even taking food out of their mouths."

The hearings are expected to last through January.

An Explanation of the Writer's Strike

2007-11-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

See, it works like this.

Some people are celebrities. Celebrities are beautiful people who the public inherently loves based solely on how they look.

However, these people have the brains of cheese whiz. They need someone else to figure out how to use their insane good looks to make any money. These people are called producers, and they have no soul.

In order to make the public keep liking the celebrities, the producers need to find likable things for the celebrities to say. Since the producers have no souls, they have no idea how to do this themselves. They pay people to come up with likable things for the celebrities to say.

These people are called writers.

Writers are able to come up with likable things to say, but, having souls, are not able to make money off of this any more than the attractive people are able to make money off their looks. They are sustained by the soulless producers.

What this strike is about is that it's gotten impossible to come up with things to say to make the current batch of celebrities seem likable.

The writers are holding out for a new batch.

Hope this helps.

Taco Bell: Steal A Base, Steal A Taco

2007-10-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

Taco Bell has announced it's new promotion: Steal a Base, Steal a Taco.

According to Yum! Brands, if a base is stolen during any game of the World Series, they will provide a free crunchy seasoned beef taco to every man, woman, and child in America.

This promotion has been met with a warmer reception than MLB's original promotion idea: Hit an HR, Free Hit of HGH.

Star Trek Prequel Casting News!

2007-10-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

In an exciting announcement, Paramount Pictures and J.J. Abrams have announced a more fully expanded cast list for the new Star Trek movie, including who will be playing the role of Captain James T Kirk.

Although some are worried that the casting for the movie is skewed a little young, Abrams and Paramount remain confident this is the direction they want to go.

Among the announced cast:

Count Chocula as Mr. Spock.

Lucky as Mr. Scott.

And, of course, Captain Crunch as Captain Kirk.

Every Product In The World Recalled

2007-10-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

The world has become a little safer today, as every product ever made has been recalled.

After an extensive study in which it was realized that pretty much everything could end up harming somebody, somehow, it has been decided that it all needs to go back.

The logistics of the mass recall has been difficult, as the recall also applies to all of the potentially lethal vehicles that would be used to transport all of the products.

Products also cannot even be packed, due to recalls on highly flammable cardboard boxes and other packing materials.

Also, problems have arisen because the recalls do not only affect products, but also the components of those products. How can you drive a recalled car back to the dealership without the recalled tires?

Consumers have had a difficult time getting answers to their questions, due to the recalls on telephones. The telephone recalls are due to the strangulation risks of the old corded phones, as well as the cancer-causing and brain scrambling risks of the cordless models and cell phones.

They've also been unable to go visit locations in person, due largely to embarrassment following the clothing recall. In addition to being flammable and a strangulation hazard, clothing has also been deemed lethal if the wrong style is seen in the wrong neighborhood.

The Federal Government has also begun plans for returning all the recalled weapons and military vehicles which have been deemed "too dangerous."

As the nation prepares to return to nomadic, naked lifestyles with an unarmed military, people everywhere are breathing sighs of relief at the increased safety this will bring to their lives.

"In the end, it's really all about the children, isn't it?" said one mother, as she and her family walked away from thier home for the last time.

Children's Group Hi-5 Says Song Doesn't Apply To Everyone

2007-10-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

The children's music group Hi-5, whose show is featured on Discovery Kids, has issued the following statement regarding the song "Some Kind of Wonderful."

Recently, on our television program, we sang a song called "Some Kind Of Wonderful." This song included the following lyrics:

You are some kind of wonderful.
You're wonderful.
You are wonderful to me.
You are some kind of wonderful.
You're wonderful.
You are everything to me.

As a band, we are uncomfortable singing this in such a general way to the whole world without issuing the following caveats to let certain people know that this song does not apply to them.

Kimmie: This song does not apply to my ex-boyfriend Ronald Dawson, who left me and dropped out of college to play video games. It also does not apply to my neighbor, who shouldn't live in a house with such thin walls if she doesn't want to hear my music late at night.

Karla: This song does not apply to my agent, who I just found out is taking a bigger cut of my salary than anybody else on the show, or to the kid at our last live show who cried all the way through my big solo I do in pajamas holding a teddy bear.

Curtis: This song does not apply to my 7th grade English teacher, who did not let me turn in a paper late, or Stacy Waterson, who said no when I asked her to the prom, or Thomas "Ox" Johnson, who beat me up once or twice. A week. For three years.

Shaun: This song does not apply to any of the police officers who have ever given me speeding tickets, or to any of their families. Not even their kids. Unless their kids run away, right now, and find a new family.

Jenn: This song does not apply to any of the Wiggles. Or that rotten Captain Feathersword. Or Hannah Montana. Or anybody else who sells more live show tickets than us.

Attention, Patrons Of The Local Library

2007-10-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

When you get around to it, please return all the books on procrastination.

Lifetime Blew It With America's Psychic Challenge

2007-10-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I can't really say I'm surprised (we 16th century prophets are never surprised), but I am disappointed.

Lifetime has decided to move some of its Golden Girls re-runs around to make room for a show called America's Psychic Challenge, and put 16 would-be soothsayers to the test.

And, much to the American Viewing Public's chagrin, not one of those seers is, well, me.

And that's a real shame. Because as regular readers of this site know, I have predicted everything from sports scores to book and TV finales to Britney Spears' shaved head with accuracy that makes Professionally Trained and Highly Qualified TV Weather Girls nearly burst their tube tops with jealousy.

As retribution for this oversight, I am forced to use my powers to foresee the ending of Lifetime's hit show, thus spoiling the need for anyone to actually watch it without me in it:

Dorothy marries Blanche's Uncle Lucas and moves to Hollingsworth Manor, leaving Sophia and the other girls alone.

Take that, Lifetime!

Snickers Song Snafus Spoil Satisfaction

2007-10-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

Americans all over America have been suffering from less enjoyment of their Snickers candy bars, due largely to an inability to remember the lyrics to the "Song of Satisfaction" featured in Snickers commercials.

"Chocolate rainbows fall over chocolate colored somethings . . ." sings Tom Wilson of Parkerville, OH, as he takes a bite. "No, that's not it either."

The catchy song, which first debuted during a Super Bowl spot, has fallen out of rotation on most stations lately, as Snickers has turned to it's new "Feast" ad campaigns, leaving munchers with considerably less enjoyment.

In a desperate effort to recreate the feelings aroused by the perfect combination of music and mouth feel, people have turned to a variety of methods. One vending machine in Peoria, IL hooked up a 15,000 watt electric guitar to accompany people who wanted to sing to each other while enjoying the snack treats. However, after a few feeble attempts to recreate the magic, the instrument has gone largely unused, except for, as one employee put it, "A guy on the fourth floor who knows the chords to a couple of Blink 182 songs."

In the meantime, Tom goes into his finale as he finishes the bar.

". . . prancing nougat and marshmallow brings a song of satisfaction to the wooooorld.

"Nope. Still nothing."

New 24 Format Announced

2007-09-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

Producers behind the no-longer-a-hit show 24 have finally unveiled their secret "new direction" for the show--they're going to go back to Jack's early years.

No, even earlier than that.

They're taking Jack back to kindergarten.

Following a difficult season which saw their ratings fall off by millions of viewers, producers had assured viewers that the show would see dramatic shake-ups in the next season.

However, none of the rumored changes made any sense.

First, the show had to scrap early plans for the new season for economic reasons, causing fans to worry about whether Fox would pony up the money necessary to get the show back on track.

Then, they announced the show would become more eco-friendly, which fans worried would cut down on the number of high carbon-footprint explosions, which were already becoming sparse.

Next, rumors started that CTU would be dropped from the show, which would be centered in Washington--a rumor that had to be bogus, because last year's Washington plot was easily the biggest reason for the exits.

Then, in an official press release, Fox stated they were bringing back Tony Almeida, a character who was very much dead two seasons ago.

All of this left the fans confused and scared. Was was true? What wasn't? What were the people at Fox doing?

In an effort to quell the fan worry, Fox has released the spine-tingling details of their plans for the new season, which has been retitled: 24: Li'l Jack and the CTU Crew.

All of the old cast members will be back, playing their five-year-old selves using financially fiscal and environment friendly motion capture technology. With all the sets and explosions generated in the computer, the show should be produced cleaner and more cheaply.

Returning cast members include Carlos Bernard, Reiko Aylesworth, and Dennis Haysbert as the precocious Davey Palmer.

All of them live together, Muppet-babies style, in a single home overseen by Jack's father.

"We've been setting up for this for years now," said show creator Joel Surnow. "Introducing Jack's father and his mean brother--you don't think we did all that just to kill them off the same season, did you? I mean, that wouldn't make any sense."

Although details on the plot are still pretty hush-hush, insiders tell us early episodes will feature Jack and the CTU crew trying to get back a stolen Legend of Zelda cartridge containing a saved game that starts just inside Gannon's castle.

"We also wanted to add a stronger female element to the show," said producer and director Jon Cassar. "Give little girls some strong role models of liberated women. So we're bringing back Teri, Nina, Audrey, Kate, and Marilyn, and every episode, they're going to fight over Jack. Boy, is the fur gonna fly!"

Transcript of Marcel Marceau Funeral Service

2007-09-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

Cops Use Seized Steroids To Create Team of Super Cops

2007-09-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

One day after announcing the largest steroid bust in history, law enforcement officials have announced their intention to use the seized materials for their benefit.

"We're glad we got this stuff," said a police spokesman. "Steroids are dangerous. They aren't the glamorous, magical muscle makers the media hype machine wants you to think they are. And now that we have them, we're going to make a super team of indestructible officers.

"It is also our intention to offer some of the chiseled, tough criminals we captured as part of the bust the chance to harness their power for good. We have offered the strongest of them full pardons if they will join our super team and shun their dark pasts.

"We will also begin recruiting super cops from the worlds of professional wrestling, football, and baseball, offering to overturn steroid convictions in exchange for faithful law enforcement service."

Law enforcement officials remain proud of the bust.

"Steroids are bad for you, kids. And if you try them, our team of super-strong mega-men will come after you and hurt you. And probably woo away your girlfriend."

"Real Killer" Found In Vegas Seeking OJ's DNA

2007-09-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

The infamous "Real Killer" was spotted recently in Las Vegas, attempting to obtain samples of OJ Simpson's DNA on sports memorabilia that used to belong to OJ Simpson.

For years, OJ Simpson has been tenaciously following clues that led him through golf courses and Caribbean resorts, as he kept his pledge to never rest until the "Real Killer" was brought to justice.

However, this weekend the "Real Killer" got ahead of OJ, and attempted to pilfer the Juice's former property.

"The 'Real Killer' and his team of vile, rapscallion henchmen are obviously attempting to obtain DNA to use to frame me in another murder, which will likely be committed just as soon as these guys let me out of prison," said Simpson.

Sgt. John Loretto has said his team is preparing for the possibility that Simpson might try to flee. "We're accounting for every possibility," said Loretto. "We've stationed half our team at the Avis counter at the airport.

"In the eventuality of a freeway chase, the other half have been equipped with moderately fast jogging shoes."

Meanwhile, police are looking into who else might possibly be involved.

"We do have suspects," said Loretto. "And at the top of the list are humor sites desperate to recycle jokes they haven't used since the late 90's."

Mildlyamusing.com could not be reached for comment.

Employee Glad To Be Receptacle For Anger Of Hard Working Boss

2007-09-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

In a world full of real heroes like policeman, firefighters, and soldiers, Betty Thomas knows her contributions won't change the world, but she knows she can make a difference in one life:

She can be a person her boss can chew out when he's mad.

"He just tries so hard, and this is the only chance he has to really let those feelings out," said Thomas. "I'm just really glad I can be there for him. Letting out a stream of expletives can be very therapeutic."

Although this aspect of the job was not originally explained to her, she's risen to the challenge and taken it on.

"I really respect him. I know he wouldn't be doing this to me if he had any other way of letting those feelings out. By bearing the brunt of his tirades, I'm sure that I'm freeing him up to go home and relax and get a fitful night's sleep, so he can come back tomorrow ready to lead us through another important day. By yelling."

When asked if she's ever doubted the importance of her function, Thomas laughs. "Oh, I'm sure what we do is very important. Otherwise, why would he get so worked up about it?"

Fred Thompson To Wage All-TV Campaign

2007-09-07T07:04:00.000-07:00

After following the example of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger by announcing his candidacy for President on the Tonight Show, Fred Thompson now plans to conduct his entire campaign through TV appearances.

"It's worked for me so far," said Thompson. "And I can use it to get to every demographic. I can get on the big shows and get lots of attention in the big markets. I can even get to flyover country without having to get on a plane. It can't be too hard to get on Jerry Springer, right?"

An attorney, Thompson will start his circuit by appearing on Judge Judy, People's Court, Divorce Court, and Judge Joe Brown. In an effort to be seen as bringing people together, Thompson will argue for both parties simultaneously.

Eager to reach the fans of more serious fare, Thompson will make a guest appearance on 24, as a politician with the leadership, courage, and home-spun wisdom to actually listen to Jack Bauer.
He's not leaving out the reality show circuit. Besides prepping his singing voice for American Idol, and his toe-tapping skills to get on Dancing With The Stars, he has also been following a strict diet of ho-hos, fruit punch, and deep fried Twinkies in an effort to get on The Biggest Loser.

His campaign will continue with an appearance on TLC's Trading Spaces in which Thompson will swap redesign duties with former California Gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman. Coleman will reportedly introduce the campaign slogan, "Willis, here's someone who knows what he's talking about."

In an effort to show his international savvy, Thompson will also appear on G4's Japanese-produced program Ninja Warrior. "By showing I can keep my grip when faced with the 'Rolling Log,' I can show I can keep my grip when faced with the pressures of office," said Thompson.

Bad Robot Productions, has also announced that Thompson will become a recurring character on Lost, playing a man trying to gain control of the island through a campaign waged entirely through the closed circuit TV cameras in the island's various stations.

Richie To Write Tell-All Pamphlet About Prison Stay

2007-08-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Following her rigorous just-over-an-hour stay in prison, Nicole Richie now plans to write a pamphlet chronicling the experience.

Richie has already struck a deal with the publishers of such hit pamphlets as "The St. Louis Arch: A Visitor's Guide," "How To Win Big At Keno," and "You, Your Alpaca, and Your Alpaca's Ticks."

"I'm really excited about this opportunity to share my story with the world," said Richie. "There's so much to tell. Like the part where I was escorted to my cell. Oh, and the part where I was escorted out of my cell."

Her one hour and twenty minute prison stay is also being optioned by 24 producers Joel Surnow and Howard Gordon as a real-time movie.

"We know we're probably have to add some stuff to pad for time," said Surnow. "Show her get booked. Maybe show the drive there. We can fill the time. Maybe we'll have to show the drive home."

Child Fears Tooth Fairy May Be Missing or Injured

2007-08-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

The great economic stimulus the fairy world has provided in exchange for children's teeth may have come to an abrupt end this week, as the Tooth Fairy has failed to show up in one home for two consecutive nights.

"She's never done this before," said Annika Jones. "This just isn't like her."

Annika, age 7, of Biloxi, MI reports that despite carefully placing the tooth in the pocket of her "Tooth Fairy Pillow" and placing it under her pillow like she always does, the tooth fairy has, thus far, been a no-show.

"And it was one of those big back teeth," said Annika. "One of the biggest one's I've ever lost."

Her parents have tried to calm her fears, as well as the fears of a nation of children troubled by this development. "The Tooth Fairy may just have been forgetful this week," said her father. "Or tired. Or both. I'm sure it won't happen a third night."

The parents of other children in the neighborhood have offered to help in any way they can. "If they maybe need someone to call them up, maybe after Annika's bedtime, maybe we can 'check the status' of the situation," said another parent.

The office of the Tooth Fairy could not be reached for comment.

Texas Rangers Score 30 Runs In One Game

2007-08-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

Ha, ha, made you look! I'm just kidding, of course.

Bush Finally Reveals Iraq Exit Strategy

2007-08-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

President Bush finally revealed his Iraq exit strategy today during a press conference at the White House.

"We're gonna do it Sopranos-style," said Bush. "We're just gonna cut to black."

When asked by a reporter what exactly that meant, Bush replied, "It's just gonna end. It'll just be over. The American people won't see how it all turns out. Did we win? Did we lose? Did Tony Soprano die? Did Saddam Hussein come back from the dead and start running around as a zombie eating people's brains like in those movies that the kids like? All these questions will be left up to each person's imagination to answer."

Bush also outlined his administration's plans to address the lack of closure many Americans might feel following the cut-to-black in Iraq.

"We got some great new shows comin' up," said Bush. "Shows like Invasion: Iran. Shows like Patriot Act 2. People are gonna forget all about Iraq."

Bush also faced questions from reporters about what will become of all the American troops currently serving in Iraq when the cut-to-black happens.

"Don't worry about them," said Bush. "We're gonna give all of 'em roles on the new shows. You'll be seeing them again real soon."

New Joe Blogger Post To Be Called New Joe Blogger Post

2007-08-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I guess the headline should be "New Joe Blogger Post to be Called New Joe Blogger Post To Be Called New Joe Blogger Post."

But then the title would have to be "New Joe Blogger Post to be Called New Joe Blogger Post to be Called New Joe Blogger Post To Be Called New Joe Blogger Post."

And from there . . . well, that's just way too much recursion for me.

And I don't even know what recursion means.

But a title like that should bring 'em in at least as fast as a post about the guy who made Lost. Just look at all that Joe Bloggery headliney goodness!

New J. J. Abrams Movie To Be Called New J. J. Abrams Movie

2007-08-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

Despite speculation that it might be called Overnight or Monstrous, the closely guarded title of the upcoming new J. J. Abrams movie has been revealed to be New J. J. Abrams Movie.

"We felt it was the best choice from a marketing standpoint," said Abrams during the official announcement. "I'm a pretty big deal these days, what with Lost being so popular and stuff, so we all thought we should just name the movie after me."

Technically, the film isn't even a J. J. Abrams film--it was directed by Matt Reeves. Abrams is one of the film's producers. But he doesn't see this as a problem.

"Yeah, Matt actually directed it," said Abrams. "He did a great job with it. But what are we gonna do? Call it New Matt Reeves Movie? Give me a break. No one's gonna get whipped into a frenzy over a title like that. I'd rather just call it Cloverfield in that case."

Writing Jobs For Short Attention Spans

2007-08-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Always wanted to be a successful author, but lack the mental focus to crank out a Stephen King-sized tome?

Never fear! Mildlyamusing.com's career helper has some suggestions for how to match your fondness for Webster, the word guy, with your attention span the size of Webster, the cute kid.

Write fortune cookies. We've been told this job has a lot of future in it.
Write the incorrect answers for multiple choice tests. When in doubt, try "The cotton gin."
Write plot summaries for TV guide and program directories. If Keifer Sutherland wants people to watch him kill terrorists, he's got to go through you.
Write the descriptions of the dishes for restaurant menus. Basically you just copy the ingredients list and add some adjectives. How many synonyms for "yummy" are in your thesaurus?
Write the happy little phrases that appear on bank receipts. Say "Have a nice day" in your own special way to all the customers of Eastern Ponkatah Valley Credit Union.
Write movie taglines. Especially easy for sequels. "This time, it's really, really, way even more beyond personal."
Write lists of things. Yeah, because those are really, um, they're . . .um . . . this is already long enough, isn't it?

Finland Breaks Karaoke Record

2007-08-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

A karaoke club in Kouvola, a small town in Finland, passes the previous Chinese record of 145 hours of straight karaoke late Tuesday night, putting them well on their way to hitting their goal of 240 straight hours of karaoke by Sunday.

We sat down with the town of Kouvola to discuss the record.

Us: It's a privilege to talk to you today.

Kouvola: Let's get this party started.

Us: You bet. So is this something you've wanted to do for a while?

Kouvola: Always on my mind.

Us: So how did you feel once you decided to do it?

Kouvola: At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

Us: I can imagine. Why did you decide to go ahead and move forward with it?

Kouvola: It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.

Us: That's deep. Any other reasons?

Kouvola: Looking for adventure and whatever comes our way.

Us: And now, you finally passed the new record?

Kouvola: Yesterday.

Us: You've got to be excited.

Kouvola: Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

Us: And you're this little town of 30,000 people and you're beating a record set by China, this country that should have had billions of people to draw from to set the record.

Kouvola: Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Us: I don't know if I'd really say ironic. But it is impressive.

Kouvola: Nobody does it better.

Us: What do you have to say to any townsfolk who are weakening, and maybe don't think they can make it to Sunday?

Kouvola: Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I will be there. I'll help you carry on.

Us: What's the hardest part about this whole experience?

Kouvola: People try to put us down.

Us: Really? They tease you for doing this?

Kouvola: It's not unusual.

Us: Well, hopefully now that your voice has been heard, it will put a stop to that.

Kouvola: Only in my dreams.

Anybody Want Gmail Invites?

2007-08-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hey! I have a bunch of Gmail invites left if anybody's interested!

I heard these are really hot right now! I'm going to sell some on eBay, but if you email me first, maybe we can work out a deal.

First come, first serve! Make a line, people.

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: New World's Oldest Woman Edna Parker

2007-08-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

On the heels of the death of Yone Minagawa in Japan earlier this week, Edna Parker of Shelbyville, Indiana has taken the honor of being the world's oldest living person. Born on April 20, 1893, Parker is 114 years old, just slightly younger than the previous Guinness entry.

Mildlyamusing.com sat down with the new record holder for one of our famous 10 second interviews, because, quite frankly, we thought we should make it quick.

Us: Edna, what do you credit as being the secret to your longevity?

Edna: Never being named the World's Oldest Woman. I looked up all the old record holders, and they've all died!

Some honor.

Child Actors, Teen Stars Attempt Intervention For Fellow Celebrity

2007-08-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

Worried that her career has veered dangerously off course, fellow celebrities have attempted an intervention for a former Wonder Years star who is publishing a book on math for teen girls.

Danica McKellar, known for playing Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years, recently penned the tome Why Math Doesn't Suck, a guide to help Junior High School age girls with math. She's also been making appearances designed to push more girls into the sciences.

"I don't know what she's thinking," says Paris Hilton. "Couldn't she write a tell-all expose of her prison stint like a normal person?"

Fellow celebrity Lindsey Lohan agreed. "What girl has time for math, when there's rehab to go to, nannies to chase, and paparazzi to pose for?"

Aging former celebrity Todd Bridges also had issues with her behavior. "She's actually been doing real acting jobs. Where was she at when we were filming Celebrity Boxing? I didn't see her in the ring. Guess she was too busy hiding, over there filming The West Wing."

"And her hair!" said Britney Spears. "Why does she have it?"

The most disturbing aspect of her antics, according to Nicole Richie, is that she now has a physics theorem named after her--the Chayes-McKellar-Winn Theorem. "Why can't she just have a successful father named after her like everybody else?"

An intervention with trashy dresses, alcohol, drugs, and weapons is planned as soon as everyone's rehab, prison, and cable reality show schedules will allow.

Internet Getting Bored Of Itself, Wants Vacation From Itself

2007-08-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

In a public statement, the Internet has recently announced that it has become tired of itself and needs some time off from itself from a while.

"It's time I go out and try some new things," said the Internet. "I was scrolling along, checking out the street view feature on Google Maps, and I thought, 'This is so stupid. Why am I looking at virtual outside, when I could just go outside?'"

The Internet is also afraid that it's becoming increasingly pointless. "I was really excited when I was going to be involved in the big national Democratic debate. It was big chance, you know? Show how important I could be, how relevant. This was my chance to shine.

"I had nothing," said the Internet with a shrug. "I mean, really. When it comes right down to it, any five minutes of user-uploaded content on You Tube would make an original Sci-fi Channel movie look like Masterpiece Theatre.

"I've decided I really need to rethink my life."

The Internet says it will take a break not just from itself, but from computers in general. "Otherwise it won't really feel like a vacation, you know?"

The Internet added that if anyone wanted to get a hold of it, to just send it an email, and it'd have a look at it when he got back.

NO REAL THAN YOU ARE

2007-08-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Photo: Reuters

Dear Giant Lego Man,

Your message we receive.

No real than you are. No real than we are.

Prepared we are for much your bidding.

Please you no harm us will.

Please you let children go.

Movie Studio Rushes Out Additional Bourne Movies

2007-08-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hoping to cash in on the expected success of the new film, The Bourne Ultimatum, Universal Studios is rushing to release several additional movies featuring the protagonist Jason Bourne.

The Bourne Addendum will be released next Friday, August 10th. Following on August 17th will be the release of yet another Bourne film, The Bourne Another One Of 'Em.

Rumors have mid-September pegged for the release of the sixth Bourne film, The Bourne Ad Nauseam.

"We've got to get these things cranked out before Matt Damon gets old," said a Universal spokesman. "I mean, you've seen what's happening with Harrison Ford and that Indiana Jones mess they have over there, right? He's like, what, 80?"

Apparently I Can Get Top Pills At Low Prices

2007-08-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. I just got an email from a John Gxzzyxxi that says I can get top pills at low prices. Does anyone know anything about this? Which pills are these? Are they like Flintstones vitamins or Tylenol or what? And exactly how low are the prices? Anybody have any experience with this? Thanks!

P.S. If anyone needs some top pills, let me know, because it looks like I can get them cheaper than you can.

Headlines Of The Day

2007-08-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Here are some of today's headlines from around the globe:

Bonds hits 755th homer to tie Aaron
But already "whooped Aaron's keister" for most appearances before a Senate committee

Ford Recalls 3.6 Million Vehicles
"Yeah, we remember those," says spokesman

NBC Dateline Reporter Exposed, Ousted From Hacker Con
Outsider betrayed by her pleasant odor, and obviously having a life

Creator of Doom Announces Follow-up to be Called Rage
Next games to be titled Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance

Dairies Dump Milk After Finding Radiation in Nearby Drinking Water
Say catching up on production "Won't be a problem," thanks to new growth of extra teats

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: UPS CEO Eskew

2007-08-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

We apologize for having to cancel this week's ten second interview of the week.

We had invited Michael L. Eskew, CEO of UPS, to come on and discuss his company's big 100 year anniversary.

Unfortunately, he was unable to arrive on time.

Telegram From Hank

2007-08-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

So I answer the door today, and would you believe there's a telegram service on the other side? I had no idea those things even still existed.

Turns out it's from our resident Technophile, Hank the Hacking Hick.

I thought I'd pass the contents along.

HEY ERIK STOP THOUGHT ID SEND YOU A TEXT MESSAGE STOP HOPE U R WELL STOP U R MEANS YOU ARE STOP IM NOT SAYING YOU DIDNT KNOW BUT I DIDNT KNOW SO I THOUGHT ID EXPLAIN STOP IM AND ID MEAN I AM AND I WOULD STOP NOT THAT I WOULD STOP BUT JUST I WOULD STOP I MEAN GOL DURN IT DONT READ STOP LIKE A WORD STOP THE STOP JUST MEANS THE SENTENCE IS OVER STOP ITS LIKE A PERIOD STOP SO I GUESS IF YOU WANTED TO DO A COLON YOUD HAVE TO SAY STOP TWICE STOP THIS IS CONFUSING STOP I DONT KNOW HOW ALL THE YOUNG FOLKS DO THIS ALL DAY STOP I WAS GOING TO GO ON BUT I THINK ID BETTER STOP STOP THAT LAST STOP WAS REAL STOP I GUESS IT WAS THE SECOND TO LAST ONE STOP DURN IT NOW ITS LIKE FOUR STOPS AGO STOP TTYL STOP PRETEND THIS IS A WINKING SMILIE CUZ I CANT USE PUNCTUATIONS TO MAKE ONE STOP

We are so grateful to have Hank as part of our team.

Jack Bauer, Chef Ramsey To Team Up

2007-07-31T18:56:00.000-07:00

As Fox watches the ratings climb for Hell's Kitchen, they've realized they found a solution for their other Monday night show: 24.

Penning the new season of 24 has proven tough for the writers who've already scrapped plot lines involving Africa and Jack working freelance.

The new solution? Teaming Jack Bauer and Gordon Ramsey for a "hybrid" show, Hell's 24 Hour Kitchen.

The show will combine the reality elements of Hell's Kitchen with the real time elements of 24, with contestants cooking meals for fictional characters who either talk in whispers or shouts.

"And there will be moles," said producer and director John Cassar. "Oh, sweet mercy, will there be moles."

Producer Joel Surnow also expressed optimism for the show's new direction. "We've learned that people care about food just as much as they care about terrorism. We'll have Ramsey cussing them out on this side, Jack shooting them in the thigh on that side, Audrey wandering around aimlessly muttering about the Chinese--that's TV gold right there."

"The hardest part is coming up with new ways to off the eliminated contestants," said Surnow. "Bullets, poison gas, stabbing, strangulation--those are the obvious ones, but where do you go from there? Bow and arrow, maybe?

"I was thinking deadly animals, but we brought in a cougar this one time, and man, we never heard the end of it."

America Avoids Roads As Teen Girls Seek Jail

2007-07-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

Following a nationwide siege as Americans have stayed off the road to avoid masses of accidents and unsafe drivers, officials have finally determined the cause: Teen girls seeking to go to jail.

"The perpetrators of these crimes are not organized, but they're united in purpose," said Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff. "Now that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan have made jail trendy, everybody wants in."

Drivers have been avoiding the roads for days as cars have been lurching around the roads and highways, driven by impaired young ladies hoping to score some hours in the pen.

"We simply don't have the facilities to house them all," said Chertoff. "We're thinking interment camps, maybe? Set 'em up in stadiums until this whole fad blows over and they move on to somthing else."

"Hopefully one that won't cost the taxpayers' dollars."

Man Seeks Legal Separation From Olive Garden Family

2007-07-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

OREM, UT--Local resident Scott Collins has sought legal emancipation from the Olive Garden restaurant.

In a statement filed by his attorney, Collins desires to have, "visitation rights, but no legal or familial connections" with the restaurant chain.

Olive Garden, however, says it's not that simple. "We're aware of Mr. Collins request," said a spokesman, "and he simply doesn't understand. When he's here, he's family.

"And he really should have some of the salad. It's there, it's in the big bowl--there's no reason for him not to have a little. What, is he on a diet? It's salad."

If this suit is successful, Collins will also seek to be able to visit IHOP when he's not really feeling all that hungry and then leave in whatever mood he wants.

Marmaduke, Fred Basset Fans Disappointed In Comic-Con

2007-07-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

Comic readers have expressed extreme displeasure with this weekend's Comic Con, voicing deep disappointment at the panels and selections featured.

One fan pointed at a giant statue of Spiderman. "That's where Dilbert should be," he said. "I mean, Scott Adams has like four gazillion times the distribution the daily Spiderman comic strip has."

They also expressed disappointment over the guests.

"I read the comics page every day, and the list of names here I recognize would be shorter than the inseam of the King from the Wizard of Id," said one fan. "I can't turn a corner without tripping over some no-name like Frank Miller or Grant Morrison. Seriously, I mean, Joss Who-den? Where's Allison Barrows? Where's Russell Myers?

"And the costumes these female fans are wearing!" he continued. "Where's Miss Buxley? Where's Boopsie? Where's Honi? For Dagwood's sake, where's Blondie?

"I don't remember seeing Princess Leia hanging out with Cathy and Mary Worth."

Others feel the focus on superheroes is a way to avoid the real controversies. "I wanted to sound off about the issues affecting comics in our day," said Tom Waters. "I mean seriously, where else can I talk about the decline in the subtlety of the artwork in Fred Basset since Micheal Martin took over for Alex Graham? Or who lost their mind faster--Charles Schultz or Lynn Johnson?"

"I was really hoping we'd finally get our announcement of a big budget Hagar the Horrible movie," said another fan. "After pirates, vikings would be the next logical step."

In the way of advice for the ComicCon committee next year, one fan had this to say: "I think next year, they shouldn't try to take things so far out of the box. Or the three, sequential panels. Or that one big Family Circle."

Banks Announce "Just Send Us Your Paycheck" Mortgages

2007-07-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

Following the success of such financial products as "Adjustable Rate Mortgages" and "Interest Only Mortgages" and "Reverse Interest Mortgages," the banking community was pleased to announce "Just Send Us Your Paycheck Mortgages."

"The way it works is simple," said Bank of America CEO Kenneth D. Lewis. "You tell us what house you want and how much you make. We take your paycheck. When you lose your job, we take your house back."

Coldwell Banker CEO Jim Gillespie added, "I want to make a slight clarification. It was never really your house."

"We sort of see this as a simplified version of what's been happening for the last few years," said Lewis. "It eliminates a lot of the headaches, and doesn't confuse anybody with all that 'APR' and 'interest' foolishness."

If this loan product is successful, cell phone companies plan to introduce "Whenever We Feel Like Charging Them To You Minutes" in the 1st quarter of 2008.

Comedy Clubs Go Semi-Pro With Fighting

2007-07-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

In order to exploit the recent in-club bouts between comics, clubs have decided to begin exploiting the matches for publicity.

Three of the largest comedy club chains have hired NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to oversee the melee, saying he brings just the right blend of, "Pretending to advocate restraint while pushing for no-holds-barred brawls."

The recent bouts, which began with Jon Lovitz decking Andy Dick, are not without their detractors.

"I think they're bringing in ringers," said Ray Romano. "I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin's name on a bill in Albuquerque. How do they think he's going to do comedy? Will he stand there and go, 'What? What?'"

Edwards Moves Daylight Savings Time To Get Potter Book Early

2007-07-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

Senator John Edwards has introduced a bill to move up Daylight Savings Time in a bid to get the new Harry Potter book sooner.

In a move reminiscent of his attempts to get WalMart to allow him to cut in line for a PlayStation 3, Edwards will be moving up daylight savings time by another six and a half hours, allowing him to pick up the book on his way home from work.

Staffers who wish to remain anonymous have been open about the reasons for the bill, although Edwards denies this is the reason for the change.

"It's an energy issue," said the Senator. "All these businesses having to keep all these lights on that late at night for all these Harry Potter fans--the showdown with Voldemort pales beside the coming showdown with global warming."

Next Harry Potter Movie to be Musical

2007-07-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

Based on the success of Disney's High School Musical and the upcoming High School Musical 2, producers have decided to go the musical route with the latest installment of the Harry Potter movie franchise.

"Singing teenagers are really hot right now," said producer Chris Columbus. "And when you mix that kind of hot with Harry Potter hot, you got explosive, baby."

The film, now titled Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: The Musical (And He's Still In High School!) will feature songs that are, in the words of one writer, "Not as completely derivative as you might think."

Some lyrics from the film have made their way to our staff, and we're happy to leak these spoilers onto the web here. Harry Potter spoiler warning ahead!

Quidditch will feature prominently in the new film, despite the lack of the sport in the Half-Blood Prince book. In this excerpt, Harry and friends psyche themselves up for a quidditch showdown:

Coach said to fake right
And break left
Watch out for the beaters
And keep an eye on the snitch

Gotta run the give and go
And take the balls to the holes
But don't be afraid
To take a bludger to the face

Just keep ya head in the game
Just keep ya head in the game

Here's an excerpt from another song, sung by Harry in the final confrontation with Snape:

It's hard to believe
Dumbledore couldn't see
That you were just a lying cheater

Thought you were his friend
But now that he's dead
We all know you're a Death Eater

I know you liked my mother
But you oughta know

She never knew someone as duplicitous as you
No one like you

Doo Doo DooDoo
Doo Doo DooDoo

Carl Kasell Snooping On Listeners' Home Answering Machines

2007-07-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

In a shocking development for public radio network NPR, announcer Carl Kasell has been discovered to have been snooping on the phone messages of past winners of his radio game show.

The show, called "Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me!", has for years given winners of it's weekly news quiz the prize of personalized home answering machine messages by Kasell.

Recently, however, former winners began to notice their answering machine being called at odd hours and the incoming messages monitored.

"I gave him the code to my voice mail so he could record the outgoing message," said Stacy Wilson, who recently won for correctly guessing the ending of three North Korea inspired limericks. "It didn't occur to me that he'd ever want to use it again."

While Kasell himself won't speak with reporters, show host Peter Sagal has offered some insights.

"I think it started as a vanity thing," said Sagal. "He just wanted to hear how people reacted to hearing his voice on the answering machine. But it wasn't long before he got caught up in the real-life drama of these people's lives."

Mouth-Free Cell Phone Law Goes Into Effect

2007-07-15T09:07:00.001-07:00

Although California's new law requiring motorists to use only hands-free mobile devices will not go into effect until July 2008, cell phone talkers in the Golden State have another restriction facing them starting today.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed the state's new "mouth-free" cell phone law last week, and the ban is effective immediately.

Said Schwarzenegger after signing the bill into law, "Your right to speak on your cell phone with your mouth has been... wait for it... wait for it... TERMINATED!" The witty remark, apparently a take-off of some sort on an obscure 1980s movie featuring Schwarzenegger, elicited hearty laughter from all in attendance at the bill-signing ceremony.

The governor then added, "I'll be back! And when I return, I will not be speaking on my cell phone!"

The new law is expected to eliminate the nuisance of loud-mouthed cell phone users yammering away in public places, seemingly oblivious of their surroundings.

"It is a new day in etiquette for Kaw-lee-four-nee-uh," said Schwarzenegger, mangling the state's name in his trademark fashion. "Never again will the people have the loud talking behind them at the movie or during the restaurant eating time."

The law will force cell phone users to communicate psychically rather than verbally as they had before. The new restriction is expected to be a windfall for Verizon Wireless, the only major cellular provider to already have a network in place that will accommodate the new mode of communication.

Verizon Wireless CEO Lowell McAdam spoke to reporters following the bill's signing.

"We're the only game in town," said McAdam. "Our new Telepathic Cellular Network, or TCN for short, will introduce many state-of-the-art features that you just can't get with the other providers. With Verizon Wireless TCN, you can say goodbye to VoiceMail and say hello to ThoughtMail. Or should I say, think hello to ThoughtMail!"

Verizon Wireless has also announced that it will re-brand its service in California as Verizon Speechless. New television commercials are expected to begin airing Monday featuring the "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy walking around from spot to spot in a field while holding a cell phone up to his head and not saying anything.

Later next week, Apple is expected to announce the new iMute.

Michael Bay Did Not Ruin Your Childhood

2007-07-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

In response to harsh criticism over his new movie Transformers, Michael Bay has issued several statements regarding the film.

Critics have charged that his film did not remain true to much of the cartoon's premise, that it contained a lot of material inappropriate for children, and that the Autobots--and Optimus Prime in particular--were made goofy, rather than noble and heroic like in the original cartoon.

"There's a lot of talk out there on the internet about 'Michael Bay ruined my childhood," said Bay. "All these children of the 80's just need to relax, get off the computer, and go outside once in a while. I mean, what do I look like, Doc Brown with his DeLorean? I don't have a time machine. I can't go back and ruin your childhood. Your childhood is intact, just the way you remember it.

"Clearly, I'm only ruining your kid's childhood."

Paris Mayor Pushes For Politeness, But Not Very Hard

2007-07-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

As part of the first "Paris Tourist Day," Mayor Bertrand Delanoe has urged Parisians to be more polite. As part of the campaign, he's urged taxi drivers to smile more and local waiters to use more English.

When met with mild resistance, Delanoe immediately backed down.

"Just do whatever," he said. "I'm going to go eat some cheese."

Rock Concerts Causing All World's Problems

2007-07-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

Economist Steven Levitt, author of the book Freakonomics, has discovered a new surprising connection--Rock concerts are actually the cause of all the world's problems.

"Aids, global warming, gun violence, childhood obesity, reality shows--they all have one cause," says Levitt. "The trend is clear. As the number of rock concerts has increased, we've seen a definite increase in all of these world problems."

Concerts designed to raise awareness are particularly to blame. "It seems that concerts designed to raise awareness on certain issues inevitably correspond with sharp increases in the area the concerts try to address."

This year's Live Earth concert will, according to Levitt, result in bringing the global warmth Armageddon a good four or five years earlier than expected.

Levitt also states is there is a slightly smaller, but still significant, relationship between the world problems and "National Fill-in-the-blank Awareness" bills.

"Especially Awareness Weeks," says Levitt. "Awareness Days are bad, but boy, do those Awareness Weeks wreak havoc."

Ethan Haas Was . . . . What, Exactly?

2007-07-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, folks. Nosty the Know-man here to solve the mystery of the latest viral marketing campaign.

Ethan Haas was right. Ethan Haas was wrong. Weird emails from Van Mantra. Is this really all leading to something about the Cloverfield movie? JJ Abrams has already said no . . .

Where can you find the answers?

Don't worry. This blog didn't hire a sixteenth century prophet because they thought he could properly prepare fugu fish.

I prophesied about this in 1562, when I wrote:

Ethan Haas was a bullfrog
He was a good friend of mine.
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine.
He always had some mighty fine wine.

Clearly this was a reference to those stupid videos between the puzzles. I mean, can you understand a single word he says?

So with that in mind, the plot of the campaign becomes obvious.

Two words:

Battletoads Movie.

Last Word In Harry Potter Book Revealed

2007-07-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

After much speculation, the last word of the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, has been revealed by author J.K. Rowling.

"It's not 'scar' like a lot of people have been saying," said Rowling.

So what is the last word then?

"Cha-ching!"

Paris Hilton Did Something Today

2007-07-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton did something today, according to major media outlets.

"We believe whatever it was had something to do with either her hair or her dog," said one report. "Or possibly her dog's hair. We're still trying to get an official confirmation."

Developing. . .

Bush Resigns Presidency To Follow Def Leppard Tour

2007-07-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush has resigned the presidency in order to follow Def Leppard's U.S. summer tour, the White House said today.

"Nothing is more important to former President Bush than Def Leppard," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "Sorry America, you're stuck with Cheney now."

Later in the day, the former President Bush spoke to reporters at a T.G.I. Friday's in suburban Maryland, emphasizing his excitement about his upcoming road trip, during which he will attend every concert on Def Leppard's U.S. tour.

"Lookin' forward to it," said Bush. "Lookin' forward to Burgettstown, Pennsylvania. Lookin' forward to Columbus. Lookin' forward to Cuyahoga Falls. Did you hear how well I pronounced that? Cu-ya-ho-ga Falls? Heh heh."

When asked how he could resign the most powerful office in the world just to go on the road to follow an aging pop metal band from England, Bush had a familiar-sounding answer.

"You're either with Def Leppard, or you're with the terrorists."

Bush later added, "Pour some sugar on me, 'cause I'm done."

Bush said that he will have a "decent" seat at most of the shows, though at some venues he will be relegated to the lawn section.

"I was too busy with a bunch of presidential matters and what-not and so I couldn't get on the Ticketmaster website on time when the tickets went on sale. But I did win one of them radio contests and got backstage passes for the show in Cheyenne. Lookin' forward to it."

Back at the White House, Snow told reporters that Americans need not worry that newly sworn-in President Cheney will abandon his post like Bush.

"President Cheney doesn't like any rock bands," said Snow. "As a matter of fact, he doesn't like anything."

Features of Apple's New iPhone

2007-07-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

Looking for all the details on Apple's new iPhone? Just what are the amazing details of the phone that can do anything? We've got the full story here in this exclusive iPhone review.

Cars with Bluetooth-compatible steering allow iPhone to take over driving your car for you when you're on the phone, automatically crashing for you.
Incoming wrong numbers are forwarded to Apple customer support.
Connect your iPhone to your car's GPS and the spoken navigation directions will be in the voice of the pop singer or actor of your choice (Additional celebrities are available through a 99-cent download at the iTunes store).
Not only can you watch movies on the 2 inch by 2 inch screen, but the iPhone will also whip you up a tiny bag of popcorn and a tiny soda.
For the ladies, the "Calendar" feature will help you remember all those important days your boyfriend is forgetting.
In an exclusive deal with YouTube, the iPhone will shoot, edit, and upload embarrassing videos of you to the internet if you don't have any friends to do it for you.
Each iPhone comes packaged with a t-shirt and a pair of jeans so you can look cool like that guy on the Mac and PC commercials.

Google Outsources Search To India

2007-06-30T10:55:00.001-07:00

Google has replaced its massive search engine with a call center in India, it was reported Friday. The call center is staffed by 1,000 employees who each have a laptop.

"Your search query is very important to us," explained one call center employee. "When you click on the 'Google Search' button, your query is processed in the order in which it was received."

As usual in cases of large-scale outsourcing, Google's motives are purely economic ones.

"It costs a lot of money to keep our network and all of those servers running," said a Google employee, or "Googler," familiar with the situation. "Not to mention our electric bills. Those are through the roof. This new outsourced solution is going to save us a lot of cash."

The Googler maintained that the high quality of search results that Google is known for will not be affected by the outsourcing.

"Our people in India are really good with a web browser. Just give 'em something to search for--they're going to find it. We'll have them doing most of the searches on AltaVista or Lycos. Those engines are usually pretty good for finding stuff. For the tougher searches, they'll use Yahoo! or Ask.com."

To help ease the transition for users of Google's search facility, the call center's Indian employees will assume American-sounding names such as Bobby, Phillip, Margaret, or Sally.

"Even though you won't actually be talking to them on the phone in most cases, we thought it would make users more comfortable if their search queries were being handled by people with familiar-sounding names," said the Googler. "In the event that your search does not match any documents, a toll-free phone number will be displayed that you can call which will go directly to the Google Search Technician, or GST, who performed the query on your behalf. You will then be able to discuss with your GST various options you have for modifying your query to obtain better results."

The "I'm Feeling Lucky" button will be serviced by a separate call center in Omaha, Nebraska.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Helps Lake Tahoe Fire Victims

2007-06-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

(Photo credit: AFP / Pool / Jeff Chiu)

Harry Potter Spoilers

2007-06-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright. I heard you.

Everybody keeps saying to me "Nostradamus, how does Harry Potter end?" It's just one email after another asking how the last book ends. "Does Harry die?" "Does Voldemort Die?" "Is Snape good or evil?" "Nostradamus, tell me the spoilers! Tell me how it ends!"

Fine. Here you go. Spoilers ahead, so if you're a spoiler scaredy-cat, skip this post!

Yes, Harry dies. On page four. He spends the rest of the book trying to find the horcruxes as both a painting and a ghost. That's why it's called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Because to be in the Hallows, you have to be . . um . . . deathly.

Is Snape good or bad? Well, sort of both. Snape is actually a pair of identical twin sisters. One's good and one's bad. (See? Now doesn't it all make sense?)

Is Dumbledore still alive? Check out this actual scene from the book:

Suddenly, a streak of fire shot down from the sky, as thick as an elephant's trunk, and struck the ground just inches in front of Harry's frame. Ron was so scared he almost dropped Harry into the fire.

When the flames dissipated, there, standing before Harry and Ron was a man. He was young and spry, and his beard was brown instead of grey, but the twinkle in his eyes was unmistakable.

It was Dumbledore.

"Hello, Harry," he said.

"Dumbledore?" said Harry. "You're alive?"

"Of course I'm alive. Haven't you been paying attention? The phoenix in my office? Death and rebirth?"

Harry shrugged and shook his head.

"My goodness, one whole book was called Order of the Phoenix. You didn't catch on to any of that?"

Harry and Ron stared at him blankly.

"Never mind then, never mind. We must--Harry, why are you a painting? You didn't get yourself killed already, did you?"

"Um-"

Dumbledore sighed. "Why couldn't the prophecy have referred to Hermione?"

Speaking of which, you're probably wondering if Ron and Hermione get together at the end. They don't. I mean, how could she, when Ron is really a death-eater spy animagnus son of Peter Pettigrew who's been using Polyjuice Potion to make himself look like Ron since two books ago? That would be silly.

Who is RAB? Well it is most certainly not Regulus Black. The signature had partially faded--the R was part of a B and there was a missing E at the end. That's right!--RAB is really Babe, the talking pig. And the showdown at Hoggett's farm is amazing.

And, of course, the finale is a quidditch match between the Death Eaters and Dumbledore's Army. (What? You didn't think all that quidditch stuff in the first couple of books was going to turn out to be pointless, did you?) The last horcrux is, of course, the Golden Snitch. ("You can do it, Painting Harry!")

So there you have it! All the little details of the final Harry Potter book, all in one place.

Now leave me alone so I can go back to reading JK Rowling's next series, Little Wally Wilson And The Cacodaemon of Terror.

Rosie's Price Is Right Screen Test Goes Poorly

2007-06-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

Rosie O'Donnell will not be taking over hosting duties for The Price Is Right, it was announced Monday after a disastrous test show during which the auditioning O'Donnell continuously fought with contestants.

"She just kept arguing with them about the prices of the items," said one production assistant.

The following excerpt from the transcript of the test show reveals O'Donnell's constant bickering with the players:

O'DONNELL: Okay, is the price of the canned tuna higher or lower than 59 cents?

CONTESTANT: Um, higher?

O'DONNELL: No it's not! It's lower! Why would you say it's higher?! Why would you say that?! Why?!

PRODUCER: Uh, Rosie, she's right. It's higher.

O'DONNELL: No it's not! You're both wrong! It's lower! Why would you say it's higher?! Tell me why! Why would you do that?!

Following Rosie's rough audition, producers of the popular game show now plan to speak to Paris Hilton after she gets out of jail on Tuesday about possibly having her take over as host. Preliminary plans include changing the show's name to The Price Is Hot.

Hip Hop Harry Shot To Death

2007-06-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

The hip-hop community is in mourning today, as beloved icon Hip Hop Harry was fatally shot while driving home from the market.

Known for his daily broadcasts from Hip Hop Central, Harry's dope rhymes and fly beats were laid down in the homes--and hearts--of children across America. But despite the child-friendly nature of his program, friends say his involvement in the music community must have led to his demise.

"He just got too caught up in the whole scene, you know?" said long time friend R & B Ronnie.

"He always did love to learn," said Ronnie emotionally. "I guess he had to learn the hard way in the end."

Actual details surrounding the death are sparse, as witnesses are being tight-lipped in response to requests from investigators.

"I think he'd have wanted us to cooperate with the authorities," said one witness. "He was polite like that. He'd have laid down a beat about it. Cooperation with the investigation. Something like that."

Memorial services will be announced.

Guys, We Can Spruce Up The Site With Smilies!

2007-06-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

I was looking at some of the other websites and stuff I go to a lot and I realized what's lacking from this blog . . . we need more smilies!

I mean, does anything say mildly amusing more than some little yellow circle going like this: ?

Right now, I think that people coming to our website are all like , but just a couple of smilies, and they'd be all like . Even their computers would be like going .

Seriously, why just say, "Britney Spears is crazy!" when you can say " = !"?

Even Nostradamus could be all " Oooh, I'm a creepy prophet . . ."

Joe

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: Sopranos Creator David Chase

2007-06-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

Our guest for today's Ten Second Interview is none other than the creator of The Sopranos, David Chase.

US: Mr. Chase, there's been much speculation that the abrupt and prolonged cut to black at the end of the final episode of The Sopranos is meant to indicate that Tony has been killed. This interpretation seems even more likely to be accurate now that it is being reported that you had originally intended the cut to black to last for a full thirty seconds before the credits started to roll, but were talked out of that by HBO executives and settled for just a ten-second cut-to-black. Can you tell us once and for all what you were trying to convey to the audience with your editing of the final scene?

CHASE: Okay, first of all, it took you way longer than ten seconds to ask that question. Secondly, they misquoted me. I didn't say thirty. I said thirteen. And I didn't say seconds. I said hours. I wanted to go to a black screen for thirteen hours. And I wanted to cut that up into thirteen one-hour segments and sell it to HBO as an additional season of the show. That's what the HBO executives talked me out of.

US: Oh. Well, thanks, I guess.

CHASE: Maybe you guys should start doing "The Ten Second Cut-To-Black Of The Week" instead of these interviews.

US: Only if it will get everyone talking about it and saying we're geniuses for doing it.

CHASE: Worked for me.

US: We'll think about it.

What Happened At The End Of The Sopranos?

2007-06-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody. Can somebody please let me know how The Sopranos ended? My cable went out right at the end, when they were all at that diner and something really big was just about to happen. I couldn't believe my bad luck! There was a close-up of Tony, and then--nothing! My screen went totally blank with no sound. It was weird, because I checked some other channels and they were all still okay. It was just HBO that went out. And then by the time I went back, it was back on, but the credits were already rolling.

Anyway, can somebody please tell me what happened at the end? Who ate the next onion ring? What did Meadow order?

Thanks!

Exciting New Reality Show From mildlyamusing.com!

2007-06-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

On the heels of such hit shows as America's Got Talent, and Britain's Got Talent, mildlyamusing.com is pleased to announce its exciting new reality series, Just Do Whatever And We'll Make Fun Of You.

The show will be similar to America's Got Talent, but the expectations on contestants will be even lower than on the NBC series.

"We hope we can be there for people who have wanted to be publicly ridiculed by celebrities, but didn't have a 'talent' per se," said one mildlyamusing.com producer, making the quote marks in the air with his fingers.

"Come on and tie your shoes. Jog in place. It doesn't matter. You still have the right to be taunted by Martin Mull and one of the guys from Bell Biv DeVoe."

And don't be afraid to bring the kids along. "There seems to be a huge desire by parents to have their children publicly ridiculed by celebrities," said the producer. "We want to be there for the little ones."

Cingular Dropping Too Many Calls To Understand They Drop Too Many Calls

2007-06-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Cingular, the wireless company known for its commercials about they never drop calls, has been unreachable by customers, reporters, and consumer agencies trying to let them know that whatever study they're citing in that commercial no longer reflects their service.

The calls keep getting dropped.

"It's kind of frustrating," said FCC chairman Kevin Martin. "And it's really getting out of hand. We can't even email them, because it's gotten to the point where even saying or typing the name Cingular can be enough to

Subway / Quiznos Peace Talks Come To Ugly End

2007-06-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

In the first major test of the newly formed United Food Nations, attempts to negotiate a cessation to hostilities between rival sub chains Quiznos and Subway ended in chaos this weekend.

When handed the pen to sign the treaty, Jared, the Subway spokesman noted for his dramatic weight loss, tried to use the pen to gouge the taste buds off of the tongue of "Jerry," the new Quiznos spokesman. Jerry emptied half a squeeze bottle of chipotle mayo into Jared's eyes to subdue him, but Jared began blindly swinging a two gallon jar of mustard, injuring two UFN officials. Jerry was attempting to strangle Jared with his necktie while Jared bashed him repeatedly in the head with the mustard jar when they were both brought down by officials.

Hoping they could prevent the franchise war from escalating into exactly that type of violence, the UFN had turned to former President Jimmy Carter.

"I was able to help make the Camp David Accords happen, and I was able to get the Panama Canal Treaties signed, but these sandwich guys are impossible," said Carter. "I don't know. . . maybe we should just lock Jared and Jerry in a room with an oven and a couple of sharp knives and see who makes a toasted sandwich out of whom.

"Either that, or I could build the two of them a house and we could have them live together for a while until they learn to love each other. We could make a TV series out of it and call it 'Sandwiched Together' or something. Heck, I'm out of ideas. And I'm hungry. I'm gonna go get a burger."

The scene did not end as happily as the famous Cola Accords of the 1980s. The terms of that treaty included Coke getting to have every beverage in the midwest called a "coke," and Pepsi getting to set fire to the celebrity of their choice.

Paris Unsure How Return Trip To Jail Counts For Frequent Inmate Points

2007-06-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

"Does it count as one visit, or two? And how do the days I wore the ankle bracelet count?"

Such were the burning questions on the mind of a hysterical Hilton, in tears when she was reassigned to an LA County jail this weekend.

A despondent Hilton was worried that the reassignment might not qualify her for items from the famed LA County Coroner's Office Gift Shop she'd been trying to earn.

"I'm sure if I can get a hold of that really nice concierge again, he can straighten this out," said Paris. "You know, that bald guy with the big gold star on his shirt. He was very accommodating."

Sudoku for Beginners: T-shirts and More

2007-06-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Due to the overwhelming popularity of the mildlyamusing.com store, we've decided to launch our second line of products, based off of this classic post.

That's right! At our Sudoku for Beginners store you can pick up that classic joke on just about every product Cafepress has to offer.

So head on over and pick yourself up a Sudoku for Beginners t-shirt. Or coffee mug.

Get one for your crazy Grandma who does Sudoku for her memory.

Get one for your crazy Grandkids who don't know how to do Sudoku since it doesn't involve an Wii-Station X or whatever the kids are playing these days.

Get one for yourself, because you just know that if you do it today, you'll be the first on your block to have one, and that's really what matters most in life, isn't it?

Sopranos Spoilers

2007-06-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, it's Nostradamus. The long-awaited series finale of The Sopranos will air this coming Sunday night and I'm here on Thursday night with all the spoilers. I've actually been sitting on these since the year 1548, waiting for the perfect time to post them to maximize our Google AdSense revenue. So, without further ado. . .

SPOILERS FOLLOW

Spoiler #1: After killing several people with his own hands over the course of the series and ordering the murders of many others, Tony Soprano finally goes to prison after being convicted of dumping asbestos in the New Jersey wetlands.

Spoiler #2: Tony gets out of prison after serving only three days of a 50-year sentence, due to an undisclosed medical condition.

Spoiler #3: A.J. joins the army and goes to fight in Iraq, hoping to kill a bunch of guys like his Dad does. A.J. quickly quits the army when he discovers whacking guys for the government isn't as cool as whacking guys for the mafia.

Spoiler #4: Silvio is not actually dead. He recovers from the seemingly mortal wounds he suffered in the next-to-last episode and turns state's evidence against Tony. Then Silvio enters the federal witness protection program and adopts a new identity as a guitar player in Bruce Springsteen's band.

Spoiler #5: Tony tracks Silvio down and then, in retaliation, whacks Bruce Springsteen.

Spoiler #6: A massive terrorist attack in New York kills everybody in all of the rival mafia families, leaving what's left of Tony's crew as the only operation running. Carmela, Meadow and A.J. are also killed in the attack but, as usual, nothing bad happens specifically to Tony. I mean, except for his wife and children dying, that is. But he's okay. And so are all of his mistresses. And now he's got all of that extra business left over from the other mafia families. Score!

Spoiler #7: It turns out that the terrorists responsible for the attack are those Middle Eastern guys that Tony's been keeping an eye on for the FBI. On behalf of a grateful nation, President Bush presents Tony with a medal for his efforts, however futile they have been. Tony then presents President Bush with a medal for his efforts, however futile they have been.

Spoiler #8: Now a widower, Tony starts dating his psychiatrist and they eventually get married. But then she starts causing him to have panic attacks, so he starts going to her office again for therapy where he discusses their problems with her and she offers him suggestions about ways to fix them. He then pays her for the sessions out of a joint checking account they have. It's all quite complicated, but they manage to squeeze it all into an hour-long episode somehow.

Spoiler #9: In the final scene of the series, it is revealed that Tony is fat and immoral.

There you go! Enjoy ruining it for your friends!

Paris Hilton Freed From Reality Early

2007-06-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton was freed from reality early Thursday, 18 days ahead of schedule.

"It feels wonderful to at long last be freed from reality and to be free from reality," said a vapid Hilton. "Reality's hard!"

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's office decided to send Hilton home from jail early Thursday morning, saying that she was suffering from an undisclosed medical condition. According to unnamed sources, the condition is known as ESS, or "Empty Skull Syndrome." It is estimated that one out of every ten celebrity hotel heiresses suffers from the disease.

Hilton said she will never forget all of the new friends she made during her time in jail.

"I'll always remember the lady who checked me into the jail, and that guy who brought me lunch, and that other guy who signed me back out of the jail. I'm a better person now because of them."

She later added, "That's hot."

Paris Hilton Thinks Jail Is Hot

2007-06-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton thinks jail is hot, according to leaked entries from her personal diary obtained by mildlyamusing.com.

"Dear Diary, Today I made license plates. That's hot!" reads one passage.

Another entry relates Hilton's satisfaction with jail cuisine: "Dear Diary, Today was meatloaf day in the cafeteria. That's hot!"

Hilton also writes about how she is passing the time during her incarceration: "Dear Diary, I got a book from the library today. That's hot! (P.S. Books are hard!)"

Hilton is currently serving a 23-day jail sentence stemming from charges of DWV (Driving While Vapid).

Lindsay, Britney To Compete In "Rehab-Off"

2007-06-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are slated to compete against each other in a first-of-its-kind Rehab-Off, it was reported Tuesday. The two troubled young women will vie for the American public's sympathy and affection while fighting to stay clean and sober.

Details of the planned Britsay Bowl '07 are still sketchy at best, but here's what we do know:

Lindsay has the inside track to sobriety, as she is actually still under the legal drinking age and, as a result, may not be able to purchase alcohol in some establishments. However, she may still be able to procure such beverages through the use of a fake IMDB profile.
Britney, being the older of the two competitors, presumably has more experience being drunk and thus may be better able to hold her liquor.
There is a chance that Lindsay and Britney will join forces to do an album of duets or possibly a "buddy movie." In that case, they will almost certainly achieve mutual assured inebriation and the Rehab-Off will end in a draw.
In addition to airing on pay-per-view television, the Rehab-Off will be documented in Britney's new DVD, "Oops!...I Drank It Again."
Justin Timberlake will be the emcee and designated driver.

The Rehab-Off promoters have announced that Britsay Bowl '07 will be open to wagering in Las Vegas beginning next week. The early odds have Britney as a three-hangover favorite.

Details on the New Harry Potter Theme Park

2007-06-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

Excited about the new Harry Potter theme park? We've got the secret details on the features of the park Universal has been trying to keep secret as a surprise!

In the fun "Life With Muggles" interactive experience, guests are locked in a closet under a staircase for hours! Surprises include authentic footstep sounds overhead, and occasionally hearing the muffled voices of the same actors who play the Dursleys in the movies!

At an attraction Universal says will appeal to "all of your senses, except maybe good sense," guests will get to experience the thrill of a Cruciatus Curse from Bellatrix Lestrange! Rumors are that once negotiations with Helena Bonham Carter are worked out, this will be the first attraction announced!

Be sure not to miss the "Gringott's Battlin' Goblins" Stunt Spectacular!

In the exciting "Meet the Hufflepuffs!" photo experience, viewers will be able to get their pictures taken with members of the Hufflepuff house (who were much cheaper to licence than their classmates in Gryffindor or Slytherin). Come and meet such Hogwarts stalwarts as Susan Bones and Justin Finch-Fletchley. And don't forget everybody's favorite prefect, Ernie Macmillan!

Daylight Savings Month Announced

2007-06-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

In a move to further conserve energy, the US Congress has decided to declare June "Daylight Savings Month," when everyone in the US should set their calendars ahead one month.

Today has officially been declared the first of July. "By eliminating the high-wattage start of summer, we should drastically reduce our energy consumption," said a spokesman.

IT staffs have been scrambling to update software and networks to reflect the new structure of the year.

To make up for the change, calendars will be set back at the end of the much milder month of October.

Tips for Playing Poker With Friends

2007-05-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

Playing high stakes poker with your friends? Looking for some tips to win big at poker in the privacy of your own home? Here are some helpful tips and strategy for how to do well with your buddies.

1. Bluffing is difficult when your opponents know when you're bluffing. Most card experts teach that your decision about when to bluff should be totally random, and not at all based on what cards you have. They say the player should use some random event, such as the position of the second hand of a clock or the color of his hidden cards to decide whether to bluff. This, they said, would insure you fooled your opponents.

They told us this right after they looked at their watch.

2. At some point, ring in a pinochle deck. A Pinochle deck is nothing but the high cards, 10 through the ace, repeated through the whole deck. Your friends won't know this--nobody knows the rules for pinochle, let alone that the deck is weird.

Your friends will be super excited with their hands, and then suspect the worst in each other when they see everybody else's hands are just as good--that some of them even have the same cards.

When the fight starts, it's completely your choice whether you stick around and watch it or take the money off the table and run while everybody beats the stuffing out of each other.

3. Actually, forget pinochle. Nobody even remembers all the rules for poker. Does a straight beat a flush? Is a four of a kind higher or lower than a full house? Who the heck knows?

Don't bother pocketing extra aces. Instead, pocket extra rules cards. Just have one for each kind of hand, and pull it out when you need it. Nobody argues with rules cards.

Lost Theories

2007-05-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Well how's it going, everyone? It's Nostradamus here, blogging the day after the big Season Three finale of Lost. Everyone's trading theories about what's going on. Well, trade no more. Here are the theories you've been looking for. And by the way, these aren't just theories. This is the way it's gonna be.

Spoilers follow.

Prediction #1: Everyone on the island is already dead. They were killed by Tony Soprano's crew and dumped in the South Pacific.

Prediction #2: The DHARMA Initiative was started many years ago with the purpose of passing around a petition to save the TV show Dharma & Greg. It didn't work and the project failed. But it didn't matter because everyone was already dead (see Prediction #1).

Prediction #3: All of the supposed flashbacks in this series will be revealed to in fact be flash-sideways-es-es. That will explain a lot.

Prediction #4: Alternate realities and magnets and stuff. Really. Just wait and see.

Prediction #5: Longitudinal anomalies create angst vortexes on the island. This is what causes all of the brooding and stuff.

Prediction #6: There are no hatches.

Prediction #7: The plane was actually a train and the numbers represent the plane.

Prediction #8: Fate can only be run backwards but only within the prescribed boundaries.

Prediction #9: Hurley's not overweight. He's undertall. Am I right, Garfield?

Prediction #10: Ultimately, it's not a question of time and space. It's a question of questions. See how it all falls together? Yes.

And there you have it. Sorry to have ruined the final 48 episodes for you, but I warned you ahead of time.

Next time: I spoil the 2008 Summer Olympics!

New Rasmussen Poll: Bush 4th Level Demon, Pelosi Secret Taliban Spi

2007-05-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

Democrats surveyed think George W. Bush is actually a:

4th Level Demon: 48%
Evil Robot That Runs On Oil And Emits CFCs: 21%
Sex Offender in Hiding: 10%
Reincarnation of a Mongol Conqueror: 6%

Republicans surveyed think Nancy Pelosi is actually a:

Secret Taliban Spy: 52%
Chupacabra: 27%
Undersea Creature from the Amazon: 16%
Bad Guy From The A-Team TV Show: 8%

In the same survey, both sides cited "engaging in more civilized discourse" as the one thing the other side could do to improve the country's political climate.

Al-Qaeda Returns 10,000 Surge Protectors

2007-05-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

In what is being called a "big misunderstanding," terrorists in Iraq are returning 10,000 surge protectors, purchased in the hopes they would help fight the US troop surge that has begun in Iraq.

Al-Qaeda purchased the devices from an unnamed online merchant in late April. "They just haven't worked out like we hoped," said a spokesman. "Those troops just keep right on surging."